I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else
A good half hour after gorging on anything that is not pasta, whack on Electric Six's album (preferably numbers 1, 4 and 8 first), grab your Lil Red off the sofa and throw her around the room and proceed to dance like the biggest chuff ever. Flail those arms, dance like it's 1982, mosh, air punch, do whatever it takes to bring on the BO. Oh and make sure you draw the curtains because the scene caused is one that should only ever be witnessed and shared with very good friends and other halves because let's face it, exhilirating as this commotion is, it's not pretty to watch. Flabs a flying and bellies a banging and sweats a pouring... Also ensure you have a sofa close by which after jumping all over you can then pass out on.
Should you feel so compelled, repeat first thing in the morning prior to showering. GIve it two weeks, not only will you be evicted but you will be a slimmer shadow of your former selves.
It's 8.54 am and having taken part in fanny dancing this morning, to a very loud Gay Bar, I was reminded that I hadn't blogged about Saturday night. Then I remembered I could direct you to any of my numerous Gay Bar posts and you'll know exactly what happened so I decided not to bore you with the details, again. I need a new bar to hang out in, the baby dykes have taken over.
11/25/2004 08:58:00 AM
only one suffering the 'I'm too heavy' blues of late. I'm at this weird in between stage which is still just too damn chubby but with the added problem that my slim clothes cling like lycra and my fat clothes are hanging off me to the extent I look like I'm auditioning for one of Eminem's backing dancers. It's hideous whichever way you look at it. I don't know what I wore the last time I was in this weight stage. Probably my pyjamas cause they are the only thing fitting right now. I'm going to start a new trend. How cool am I?
I had to buy a pair of trousers for an interview last week and despite the fact they looked not unlike leggings I bought them anyway. Christ I could barely walk in them and I must have looked like I belonged in panto or in Evans. I just can't shake these bellies of mine. They are quite a hinderance. The gym is not an option for me. I don't do shorts, I don't do tracksuits and I most defintely don't do vests. I can just see me, huffing and puffing all sweaty moon faced in my polyester whiffy trousers and just looking generally like the mega bellied dyke that I am. I'd get ejected from the gym for looking to damn ugly in amongst all the preened and chiseled pretty people. Mind you it would take at least 6 able bodied people to move this solid mass of fat away from the vending machines.
I swear I eat all the right things, maybe in treble portions but I figured with the amount of guffing that my healthy diet induces I can afford to eat a bit more, if I'm going to lose half of it with a good dose of wind.
Anyway, my dietry problmes and bodily fuctions aside, I have the very wonderful gay bar to look forward to tonight. Oh wont that be a barrel of the same laughs at the same people. I could not go but then what would I have to moan about? I did hear a rumour that a 'gay friendly' club is opening up actually. Eh hello? 'Gay friendly' in Aberdeen? Are you mental? With all those stupid haired boy bint twats that are so intent on yelling the phrase 'oi faggot' at anyone with a decent dress sense? I don't think so. Christ if the gay people can't be friendly toward each other, there's no way the tiny minded drunken aberdonian assholes will be friendly toward the homo crew. Of course that's not indicitive of all Aberdonians, just those wasted wanks who try and glass as many people as they can on a Saturday night and think it's hilarious. This city rocks.
And so I go prepare for the vodka because I refuse to be victim to the monster spew again.
Good news, to be imparted at a later date :-)
Partying with my buds
The Da Vinci Code
My girl not in Inverness
Seeing people I haven't seen in ages
Dry lips, get a chpastick
Over straightened hair, stop it Fee.
The retail industry at this time of year, truly horrid
My zit filled face
The ice, we all know Miss Fee is no good under slippery conditions
11/20/2004 01:30:00 PM
Sat in amongst a throng of attitudinal OAPs, we certainly had an entertaining night. Life on the edge, it's just too much for me.
That really is as exciting as it gets for me. Really. I mean since I last wrote I...
Have been drunk not once
Watched an episode of Dawson's just to see Dawson cry
Bought fabulous pink pinstripe trousers
Painted my nails five times, Rimmel Stars is the bomb
Noticed that Carson Queer Eye is the double of gay Ellon
Put a chair containing my full body weight ontop of my toe, needless to say I'm now down to 9 toes
Eaten my weight in cheese about three times over
Picked my spots to the point I have two huge pockmarks on my face, classy
Decided that Sky from Neighbours could well be my new obsession
Watched Bridget Jones and laughed about 3 times only
Yelled pwoar at the TV screen too many times over Jennifer Aniston
Read Martha Moody and was unimpressed
Knelt on superglue strength security tags and ruined my trousers
Said to a customer when giving her change, 'here's your lunch', at 10.30 am... belly always interferes
Been told that my borrowed lap top will be taken off my gay hands very soon, doubt it
Been jostled by angry Christmas shoppers
Jostled angry Chrsitmas shoppers
Considered buying a balaclava cause it's that cold
Haven't bought a better, uplifting bra even though nipples and knees collide
Noticed that my feet stink
Stood in dog shite, or possibly human
Am in the process of...
Trying to keep down a possible fizzy vomit...
Ta ra x
11/18/2004 07:40:00 PM
J Bo... Who Else?
The weekend was a carry on from start to finish. My girl was returned to me on Friday night and having the whole weekend together we just had to have our band of odd bods over for much drunken silliness. My recollections after the monstrous mega mushroom spew around 12.30am are pretty sketchy but I do remember having a blast. I don't know who instigated the belting out of power ballads on the window sill (after that much vodka that really is asking for trouble) but I have a sneakin suspicion it was of course, Power Ballad Queen and Kate Bush wannabe, J Bo. No night is complete without a manic Bo pulling your CD collection to bits in search of shite tunes that she can holler into a candlestick, fag packet or fusty bit of fruit. I seem to remember Backstreet Boys for christ sake. She always finds the classiest songs in any music collection.
My head was a ball of fuzz by the time we got to the gay bar but I do know we got some dancing in. Though my idea of dancing by that point was more like the shoulder slouch favoured by wasted folks whose eyes are crossed in the middle. It's really quite attractive. I also remember the band of twats on their hen night who decided as they should go to the gay bar because it's a novelty. If the gay bar was designed for more people than you can fit in yoru bathroom then fine, fair enough but as it is, the gay bar is too damn small for the gays that go, nevermind a hen night crew with veils and arms a swinging everywhere. In Aberdeen, there is one gay bar. There are however more straight pubs and clubs than there are dog turds on Union Street. For every time a property developer farts, a new pub/club springs up so I don't understand why haggles of fag hags insist on taking over our bathmat sized dancefloor every bloody weekend. If so many of them didn't have attitudes it wouldn't even be so bad but when one is double chinning my girlfriend, asking her what her problem is then I think it's time for them to find the novelty somewhere else.
Annoying rotund women with tudes aside, I think the dancing was fabulous, apart from mine of course. Again, I did not get to hear my Britney despite my continual requests for her. Maybe the lack of Ms Spears was my punishment for the pool of vodka and vomit scented drool I left on the ledge of the booth. I really am one classy lesbo.
Lil Red and I intended to watch My Summer of Love yesterday but the jumbo hangovers insisted we stay curled up in the comfort of our own home with Sex and the City. We did however, on Saturday, see Finding Neverland and it was fully fabulous, with Kate Winslet looking as beautiful as ever and causing a few lesbo tears.
Oh and apparently I was on the local news, again, the other day. I went to the careers fare last year for about 5 minutes cause it was a bag of shite and I managed to get my ugly mug on local television for my sins. Really, that was not part of the plan and has probably put prosepctive employers off. And because Grampian TV are shite mongers and cheap skates they reused the footage from last year so there I was for all who missed it last time around to see with a major tude and probably 5 chins. Doubt it.
And so I go scavange for food to feed my multiple chins while enjoying day off numero three.
Delta Goodrem... yes it's true
Dominoes pizza, cures a hangover no end
Lil Red hugs
The Julia Jog
Nights without Lil Red, last week of that nonsense though
Having to clear up the CDs after a Bo visit... can take months
Low boobs, get a bra
The return of the Overlord tomorrow
Having pulled a muscle in my arm when I belly flopped so tragically on the stair
11/08/2004 10:19:00 AM
11/06/2004 07:55:00 PM
Here are a few of the photos you requested, plus a picture of our pumpkin friend who is topless. Oo er. Shock that it was Lil Red who removed her top. She's called Henrietta by the way although I think she is now a very mouldy Henrietta. That is probably the source of that rotten stench then. Am as inspired as a moist pluff today, and look also not disimilar to one so will say no more except, bring on the weekend.
How gay are we??
Our 'special' pumpkin
The urban wasteland that is our view
Lesbo Lovin' Land
My Overused Favourite Bag
11/04/2004 04:47:00 PM
Cafufle: a flustered carry one
Hoiked: Pulled up, as in trousers
Probably for the first time ever I decided to run, yes run, up the stairs at work yesterday. I don't know what on earth could have been so urgent that I would put myself through physical exertion for. Surely I wasn't so keen to be getting back to work? Of course because this was such a momentous occasion for 'feet are for walking or standing on' Fee, I knew there would be messy consequences. I had barely leaped off the first step when I caught my man shoe on the stair and flew as far as a chubber can fly up stairs and landed with the most humiliating thud in a lesbo tangle. Oh man. Fully aching from the experience I noticed someone behind me that had seemingly witnessed the fall of the massively mighty Fee. As I tried to pick up my floppy body I was horrified to discover that in the cafufle my trousers had lowered themselves quite dramatically, the dirty devils, and a good 8 inches of ass crack were on full display. Where oh where were my pants I keep asking myself? I regained my composure as best as I could but there really was no regaining any dignity as I hoiked up my breeks in a cool a fashion as I could muster before continuing my journey upwards at a more reasonable pace. I will never look that person in the eye again and never will they be able to look at me without thinking, holy cow I saw too much of that chick's bare ass. Oh man. That is exactly why I was not designed for demonstrating any bursts of physical energy. It always ends in tears. Sadly it was not just my tears of pain but tears of disgust from the somebody who saw a lot more than they cared to. Oh the shame of being a dollopy lesbo with man feet.
The jumbo, hard bruise on my thigh which is fully sore
Garth Nix - Shade's Children
Madonna Remixed and Revisited
Britney, My Perogative the Almighty mix
My hair, so soft, so straight
Still 2 more nights without Lil Red, hmpf
Working late, throws my sleeping pattern into disarray...
The pulled muscles in my arm from where I was grabbing onto the banister during The Fall
Carwash, christina and missy, rubbish the first time round as well
Being a sweaty betty
11/03/2004 08:25:00 AM
My Perogative was released today. I got up early especially so I would have time to buy it before work. That extra five minutes in the morning make all the difference you know. I just had to have it before my morning break, you know so I could sit alone in a freezing room munching my Eat Natural bar to the soundtrack of my girl numero dos for a full 20 minutes. It didn't matter that courtesy of winmx I had already downloaded numerous versions of the song. I had to have the actual single, of course to complete my collection. And obviously I couldn't just buy the one version. There were three available so I had to buy them all. I wish I were less obsessive sometimes.
And while Lil Red can't be with me tonight I at least have my other girl to keep me company.
11/01/2004 08:21:00 PM
Adventures of Charmin
Ariel Pay it Forward
Come to the Dark Side...
Dirty Little Homos
Fash Mag Slag
Het (aka Quickfit)
Hit the Jag Spot...
Knee Deep In It...
Life and Times of a Desperado
On Top of the World>