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I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else My Profile
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Somehow I came home in a giant man’s jacket on Saturday night. So drunk was I that I didn’t notice the fact that I was literally drowning under the huge shoulder pads which were housed under the mass of brown cord. How could I not have registered the fact that this jacket was at least 6 inches longer than the one I originally went out in? What an affront. What a weekend. A 14-hour drinking session on the Friday for my work’s Christmas party saw me Footlosing it out in my cowboy boots at 1.30pm, describing my meal as looking like something that would come up later to a bunch of stuffy professors, sniffing poppers in the toilets like I was 13, spilling drinks and shedding flem over anyone that crossed my path and generally having a total rammy. It was ace. Again again. I didn’t make it to the pre-planned breakfast the next day; I was all vomited out and needed to prepare for Saturday evening’s proceedings. I never would have imagined that 7.5% ‘perry’ could have gotten me so fucked that I ended up in a man’s jacket and with a huge set of keys that do not belong to me but that’s exactly what happened. It was all rather hideous but yet the most amount of fun. Hottie and I spent the majority of the night wrapped around each other on the podium, against the wall and anywhere else it was inappropriate to get it on. We got our details taken by the police for something that wasn’t our fault (honest, I’m no crim!) and we gorged on other people’s food because clearly hours-old curry and chips is far more appealing than a freshly microwaved veggie burger… My ass is totally feeling the wrath today however and while that will teach me to be a gutsy bastard, I’m sure it won’t be the last time I’m a filthy food thief. And after all the alcohol, dancing and complete twatiness, yesterday was spent seeing people who weren’t there and having complete post wine paranoia. My heart has never felt so pressurised in all my life… No more alcohol, poppers and fags till at least Wednesday. And so I go bury myself in my newly acquired man’s jacket while weeping over the loss of my own one. Real tears sweetie, real tears. Britney Wannabe 
12/18/2007 02:36:00 PM Hottie and I got free tickets for Kaiser Chiefs at the weekend. And, not only were they free but they were hospitality tickets, you know where you can eat, and, more importantly, drink, as much as you want for free? Heaven and of course having once again drunk all my pay for the month we ensured we took full advantage of this. We were pre-warned to book our place at Accident and Emergency post gig so I reserved us a couple of beds in an open ward, requesting of course the obligatory stomach pump and commode and pre-arranged for the ambulance to come scoop us off the beer and flem encrusted floor of the Arena after the band We didn’t see much of We Are Scientists because we were too busy making the frequent trips to the bar and we literally didn’t see that much of Kaisers amidst the haze of wine, Smirnoff ice, poppers and fags. We did get a good bounce but opted not to launch ourselves into the moshpit, fearing we would either get battered for being stupendously pissed and flaily or we would vomit the contents of our sloshing guts into the overzealous crowd thus also ensuring a battering. From what I remember it was a super gig although I Predict a Riot was clearly missed. We continued the celebrations by scoring some mini bottles of champagne, fighting with the fat bus driver (‘you’re on camera you know’) and by tearing up Hotel Metro, a place where if the older lady is your thang, you will be soiling your panties within seconds of entering the establishment. And by older I’m talking 65+; it doesn’t get called Grab a Granny night for nothing. The place was awash with wrinkly chests, more Silvakrin than a beauty pageant, fat slobby men in enormous fleeces, Grease megamixes, a dangerous amount of polyester and an array of ugly blue, tapered jeans. You had to be very careful when maneuvering your way around the dance floor not to inadvertently trip over a low flying knocker, of which there were too many. Jesus, I even managed to catch a nipple or ten in my rubber sole as we scooted about trying to bypass the boobies. Thankfully the nipples of these ancient patrons have been so overused that they are numb to being trodden on, or to any kind of feeling at all. The rest is a bit of a blur but there was a great deal of lezzing it up on the dance floor and generally being oblivious and probably offensive to everyone else so yeah, clearly I will be back in the Metro next week where we have a double date with Bertha Bouffant and Floppy Fud Freda; am fully oiled at the prospect. And so I can unearth my crutch from my wardrobe because clearly my legs are feeling the wrath of pogo-ing it up at the gig. I forgot that my legs cannot bear the brunt of my overgenerous upper half. Dammit. What's Rockin' Chips, cheese and garlic sauce, fat fuck Days of work to do nith, ace Primark Uggs (Puggs), classy Blades of Glory, hilaire Having super fun with my Hottie, yay! What's Suckin' The garlic sauce that is secreting out of my every orifice Having my mobile cut off, mink Poooooooo breath The smell of stubby fags, yuk The coldest flat in life, brrrrrr Britney Wannabe
12/10/2007 01:01:00 PM What’s the best thing to do after a three-day bender? Picture it: you’re feeling like a mouldy toldy, you’re looking like a piece of regurgitated beef patty and you smell worse than a chuff that has been encased in polyester for weeks on end so, what do you do? Yes, you and your girlfriend force yourselves to get out of your cosy bed, borrow someone else’s eyes, raid the old copper jar and then head to the arcades, at the beach, in minus degree temperatures. Sensible? Probably not. My winnings amounted to 8p, our game of mini bowling (which cost us our last pound) got stuck half-way through and was rendered unplayable and we ordered £1.50 pizza which tasted like hot paper with a scraping of brand own tomato sauce proving that you really do get what you pay for. But yet we still managed to laugh our gay asses off at a bunch of random crap, including the big adult female who got on one of the arcade horses and proceeded to vigorously, yet unrythymimically, ride her way to the finish line of the horse racing game – possibly the funniest but most tragic thing I have ever witnessed whilst under the influence of E numbers. So yes, the weekend was super. We saw Kings of Leon who rocked my socks on Saturday night, the final day of the bender so clearly I was going to be the drunkest thing in life (after Bo of course). The funniest part was the bus journey from hell afterwards which saw us sneaking on for free, despite Rigid Girl’s attempt to pervert the course of injustice and get us off the bus. Bo then developed an ingenious way of smoking on the bus; she stuffed it through the rubber panel in the middle of the door so the lit end was outside, so ‘technically it was not illegal…’ Again, Rigid Girl was not impressed and a series of tuts and hair flips were cast in our general direction but you know what? Bothered? Strangely no. We got jammed in the doors as we legged it off the bus, after pulling the emergency button and proceeded to get further fucked amidst a flurry of Cava, fags, vomit and god knows what else. Total carry on from start to finish but no complaints here. And so I go attempt to eliminate that weird smell that is emanating from some part of me… enough said. Britney Wannabe
12/03/2007 02:57:00 PM I’ve totally been gigging it up these past few months. I haven’t been to so many gigs since my smelly days where I used to hang around at Union Terrace Gardens getting wasted and twatting around to local bands and sitting on human dog shit on a Saturday afternoon. Good times. We saw Captain a couple of weeks ago. For no reason other than curiosity, four of us girlies necked some Viagra. The only engorged heads, however, were our massive purple ugly mugs which ensured that we were seen for miles around for a long long time. Beacons? Yes. There was much hotness but not in a fanny tingling way sadly, just in a ‘my face is going to explode’ and it's not going to be pretty kind of way. We were also wasted on the remnants of alcohol we had ‘acquired’ from various sources so by the time Bo and I got to the gig I could barely see, my face was hotter than ring sting and I was close to vomitting. There was approximately 10 people at the gig so we didn’t need to push our way to the front - a slow meander would have sufficed but in our hideously drunken states we danced our way forwards, elbowing whoever we chose to shimmy around en route. You know how when you go to a gig there is always a group of really irritating bastards that flail around like fish out of water and sing the wrong words and bounce inappropriately to the ballads? Yeah, that was us. Even the band, who were within spitting distance, were repulsed; they could probably smell the stale cider on our breath, not to mention the body odour that was emanating from our every pore. A vile sight and smell for sure. Despite being the drunkest things in life, it was super fun. Although we probably ruined it for everyone else by launching our bodies across the stage and wafting poppers around the tiny room, we at least had a total carry on. I’m sure it wasn’t our fault that all ten gig goers demanded a refund at the end of the gig… really… Yuk, must curb the antisocial gig behaviour. And so I’m sure my blogger absence has not been noted but jeezo what a mental past few months I’ve had, the contents of which I will no doubt divulge as the journey through my stupid life recommences. All aboard The Glitterqueer Express! The destination is Party Central where it will remain until further notice. You have missed Depressionville, Affrontville, Desperationville, not to mention Violationville but we will have the odd stop off in Smugville where you can enjoy tea and cake and possibly some chips, cheese and garlic sauce. Light refreshments will not be served on board and you will definitely find the toilet to be reaming over with faeces and soiled tampon applicators. I wish you a pleasant and turd filled journey. Mind the gap (in my popper loosened asshole). Toot toot! And so I go assess how much beans on toast a person can live off before she combusts. Super. What Rocks Kings of Leon on Saturday My hot hot chica Copious amounts of Bouillon Cowboy boots Being a smuggy What Sucks My numb bum My perpetual beaming Bebo politics My leggings and white trainer combination… don’t quite know what happened… YUK Having the biggest phone in life Britney Wannabe
11/29/2007 03:06:00 PM My weekend in Geneva sucked ass. I was required to go for work, to a Congress. I’ve been on more flights in the past 6 months than I have in my life. Generally I enjoy the travelling but I dreaded this trip more than I dread a life without cheese. I was exceedingly stressed about what I should wear. I mean, the converses and low slung jeans just wouldn’t cut it. I searched all over town for vaguely smart clothes in which I would feel vaguely comfortable. I packed my case with the care I would deliver to a penis (none at all) and I set off on my travels. I arrived in Geneva, knackered and travel-dirty but alas, to my horror my beloved suitcase was nowhere in sight. I was given an emergency overnight bag which contained a spitting of toothpaste and an enormous white Tshirt through which you could see my discs because it was that transparent. I washed my only clothes (the ones I had been languising in all day) in the sink of my 4 star hotel which I appreciated as much as I appreciate polyester work wear. I couldn’t sleep; my ear plugs were in the case and work begun at 7am. It was not looking good. Nor was my hair. I had sweated it curly and of course, the straightners were safely packed in my luggage which was god knows where in the world. And so I presented myself at the Congress in my sink washed travelling clothes complete with pink trainers, arse revealing jeans and baggy eyes. It was hideous. I was hideous. And my case never did arrive in Geneva. We were finally reunited on Saturday, ten days after it left me to have a better time some place else. So to summarise: I had no luggage, I had no money to buy anything more than ugly pants and plain Tshirts, I had the world’s biggest hair, I was too bloody tired to even see the sights, I was completely uncomfortable in any situation that actually involved people and I couldn’t wait to be home back but unfortunately counting the seconds did not hurry the process along. The trip home didn’t go according to plan either with the 4 hour flight delay which was as enjoyable as a wet fart. I mean, could anything else possibly have made the weekend even more ghastly than it was? Oh yes. I came home to a £300 phone bill which leaves me approximately £50 to live on for 4 weeks. Bring on the toast sans anything! And so I go contemplate eating my body weight in cheese, again. Embrace the chubs. Today's Likes Mexican chilli crisps Mid week podium dancing The upcoming vinyl party Spending time with Golden Boy Today's Dislikes My breath after mexican chilli crisps Looking like a hungover breed Crumby fingers Missing out! That our living room smells of cheese Britney Wannabe
7/19/2007 02:36:00 PM Sing if you’re glad to be gay? I didn’t make the effort for Pride in Aberdeen. I never have. I don’t know what it is but I’d celebrate my gayness in any other city (ok, maybe not Dundee) but just not here, in my wonderful home town. It’s always rather understated but at least they usually bung the gays and lesbos in a park where they can dance and gay it up comfortably. Not this year however. I don’t know whose idea it was to hold Pride in the main shopping area but I think it was a big mistake. I mean, what on earth? I am as gay as the day and happily so but I wouldn’t have fancied flying my rainbow flag outside M&S amongst all the neds and Aberdonian twats. We gayed it up in another way instead by getting drunk all day long to celebrate Bo’s birthday. I was surprised at the stamina I demonstrated and we had a total carry on. Someone got egged, some of us got our drunken mugs in the paper and I even made it to the gay bar, suitably tanked up but having lost a few members of the group to the fresh air. I love Foundation (the gay bar) but on Pride night it sucked ass. We had Eton Road who were as drab as a man in a cardy and sandals and then we had some weird woman singing along with the songs and even giving us her awful rendition of ‘My Heart Will Go On’… It really was total Tragicville and we didn’t get the dance we are so used to on a weekend. Most disappointing indeed. So yeah, my pride experience was utter tosh. We made up for that last weekend by parting at Beast’s and dancing on top of his kitchen counter while Flem Girl and I tapped danced out way around the house, timesteps, pick-ups, the lot! We really did rool the skool. And so I continue to celebrate starvation central because I know it will not last for long. Today’s Likes Rhiana – Umbrella, big up the dance version My ace friends Getting our lease renewed. Long may the Fee/Bo parties continue My new hat, pinstriped and a skull, what more could The Fee ask for? Today’s Dislikes Being so tired I am hallucinating My split, chipped nails, nae bonny The thought of food Body Odour, I seem to be a persistent offender New trainers which are too sore to wear Britney Wannabe
6/15/2007 02:40:00 PM I’ve not been very well for the past ten days. I’m pretty sure it’s either alcohol poisoning or concussion. I haven’t felt any semblance of self since last Friday’s shenanigans; with every day comes the nausea, the shaky legs and the heavy head. I want to say I have never been as drunk as I was that night but am sure that will be a lie, no doubt there will have been some other equally horrendous drunken moments that I have stuffed to the back of my already fragile memory. The concussion may have resulted from dancing on a homemade podium at Beast’s flat. When I say homemade I don’t mean that we constructed a dancing platform out of cardboard, held up with cheese and breadsticks because surely I would have eaten the structure before attempting to heave my body weight upon it. I mean we turned Beast’s DVD chest into a place where we could boogie because obviously after a few vodkas the floor is not sufficient. There were 5 of us so tightly packed on top of it that you could taste each person’s hot alcohol breath. But, person 6 was feeling left out and launched himself at us, despite the fact there was no room. He jumped on and we all flew off. Everyone else hit a sofa except for me who landed on the floor (“Where’s Fee?” “Help mama sweetie”) smacking my head off some metal coal bowl. Despite the instant queasy feeling, of course I partied on. I shouldn’t have had any more vodka, I should have said no when the shots were being passed around and I should have gone home after the first time I was sick. I did none of those things. I was so drunk I was sick in the street, something I am fully ashamed about and I apologise profusely to the staff at Marks and Spencer’s who may have had to slosh down the contents of my guts the next day. I made it to the door of the gay bar, felt suddenly blind and called OLIK to come take me home. All she saw was this dribbling, cross-eyed, drunken shape bouncing off walls and windows. I spent the next 6 hours alternating between vomiting and passing out. I feel I should have died. The next day was much the same and was punctuated with painful dry heaving and palpitations. As usual I declared, ‘never again’. I’m now ten days clean (does the half bottle of wine last night count?) So yes, I can safely say that I am checking into BDA (Binge Drinkers Anonymous or Bad Dancers Anonymous both of which are equally applicable and both of which resulted in my current state of bad health). Is it the weekend yet? Today’s Likes Drunken Bo: drunk and in charge of a trunk Having a gay day out with the boys Dinner with the gaylords tonight My freshly highlighted locks The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly Today’s Dislikes My holey trainers, there goes another pair My ever expanding belly… how come? Itchy hair, just wash it damn it Hummous on the keyboard Listening to: venga boys (ask no questions, I’ll tell you no lies) Britney Wannabe
5/29/2007 01:21:00 PM  Friday night in the gay bar was not planned. I mean, I had a Eurovision party to look forward to on Saturday night. I should have been sensibly tucked up in bed in preparation for the big gay event but alas, Friday night saw the unwelcome return of Fee in the gay bar, on the podium, dancing like a prick and falling on her ass and revealing Bella the Belly to the whole world, again. I really am too ace for the base. By the time Eurovision came around I was barely compusmentus but somehow managed to get high on Pepsi Max and join in the gayest party ever. There were nibbles and scorecards… it was all most exciting. My money was on Ukraine (think munchkin drag queens wrapped in tinfoil) but was happy that the lesbo won simply because she put so much effort into her performance that on many occasions I was sure she must have followed through. Oh, and chicks in suits… yes please. While there was marks out of ten for Dance Routine, Performance, Outift (100 points to the Ukraine!) there was not a column for ‘Hotness’. If that were the case, Russia would have won hands down and Scooch (of course the campest entry ever) would have gotten nil points. How old IS that dude with the blonde mullet? Am sure I have seen him collecting his pension and getting on the bus for a bargain price. So, this weekend was, as ever, awash with much alcohol and copious amounts of food. Mmmm hmmm, life rocks. Today’s Likes My ‘new’ haircut, same as ever… I don’t do change Facebook… not quite the new bebo, however Apricot wine, sweet, alcoholic goodness My new podium related accident bruise – measuring 5 inches! Today’s Dislikes Feeling like a moldy toldy Stalkers in the gay bar, piss off Having put on about 12 stone in a week The ice rink being closed, gays on ice… Fusty pesto, nae fine Britney Wannabe
5/14/2007 03:59:00 PM I'm still pissed as a fart. I'm rolling around my bed in amongst the crunchy stick crisps which I will be picking out of my crevices for months to come. I've put last night's pizza in the toaster. I reek of stale fags, sweat from all the dancing and some fruity perfume with which I was assaulted. I have yet to be sick but given my status as a serial spewer I am sure this is to follow. My mouth is fully ulcerated from gorging on the crunchy sticks and bacon bites. I disgust myself. My recollections of partying at Beast's new flat are decidely hazy. I know the pre party party was a success and I know this because we were 4 hours late for the actual party. We knew that once "Mayahee, mayahoo, mayahaha" blasted out that we would not be able to stop dancing (if you can call our moves 'dancing'). We arrived at the party completely twatted and once we got the death metal off (most unfitting in amongst us gays who like Britney, Madonna and other such cheese) the dancing begun on a grander scale. That's pretty much all I remember. Oh and moving the furniture across the freshly done wooden floors to give Bo and I more room to 'Julia Jog' (don't ask) and subsequently dancing on said furniture when the host was otherwise engaged. An appalling lack of respect I know... Oh and let's not forget Bo's dramatic fainter during the speeches... Classic. Most members of our gay gang were there so of course a wonderful time was had and I'm sure I had some amazing conversations with everybody (my face is sore from all the laughing, or yelling to be heard, who can say) but at this, still wasted, moment in time, I can't quite recall what these conversations might have entailed. I'm sure to suffer the flashbacks and the 'oh fucks' once the hangover sets in. Hangover paranoia rocks my socks! And so I go apply even more lashings of Bonjela to my crisp injured mouth. Gutsy bastard; I really need to press my self control button before allowing calorific food into the house. Today's Likes That I'm finding crunchy sticks in my hair, yum The first cup of tea of the day Pizza in the toaster, the perfect way to heat up your leftovers... Three days off, quality friend time, mmm hmmm Today's Dislikes Hair wash day! Death metal at a gay party... not really bothered if it was your band or not Not being able to dance on the scaffolding (a health and safety issue apparently, who'd have thunk it...) Having finished The Book Thief... if you haven't read it... do White wine, oh ma heeeed Labels: bad gay tunes, dancing, drunk, party Britney Wannabe
5/06/2007 11:39:00 AM  Fee Entered a Special Needs Dance Off… And won! “I found a place where Fee can boogie” Say. No. More Britney Wannabe
4/27/2007 12:24:00 PM I’m such a chunky monkey. I’ve always been a bit of a lardy lesbo and it’s always been something I’ve had an issue with but yet, I am incapable of fixing the problem. I mean, I’m not totally adverse to exercise; I walk at least 6 miles a day (I would rather walk everywhere than suffer the stress of public transport) but when it comes to intense, sweat inducing physical movement, then I just can’t do it. My plans to play squash have so far amounted to sourcing a place to play. My promises to join the girls from work for a spot of tennis have caused me to ‘work from home’ on the days they play because my excuses to not take part are so pathetic. The ‘sit-up’ regime I planned for myself lasted one morning and the step machine I bought has lived under the bed since I acquired it. I even thought about purchasing an aerobics DVD by an ugly soap star in an attempt to rid myself of my blubbery badness but alas, you know what thought did. And so Bella the Belly remains and I fear that I will never be rid of her obnoxious presence. I mean, it is she who expands beyond my expectations on a hangover day and allows me to eat my body weight in cheese and bread. If she weren’t so eager to be the biggest belly in town I wouldn’t feel the need to pander to her demands and stuff her full of dairy and wheat that will forever be ensconced under my baggy clothes. Yes, Bella is innocuous under the sweater vests, under the jumpers, under the over-sized Tshirts but as soon as I get too comfortable with her, deluding myself that she is smaller than the mirror suggests, I wear something a little tighter and wooooah, there she is, in her full glory, for all to see, hanging over my jeans, oozing out of my apparently too tight tops. I’d like to get her sucked out, or even ease her out of my life gently over a period of time but I worry that Bella and I are companions for life. We’ve been through a lot together and it would be sad to see her go but for the sake of my clothes I am going to commence the Free Bella campaign. If anyone has any valid (non sweat inducing) suggestions as to how to go about this, please get in touch. And so I go suffer the consequences of feeding Bella with rice cakes and chick pea pate. Today’s Likes Hanging out with Golden Boy in Edinburgh Afternoon naps; I’m how old? Partying with the crew at the weekend My best buddy, Bo Today’s Dislikes My chewed nails which I devoured in the absence of crisps 5 days till the weekend Neighbours banging on the wall The party aftermath that has still to be tidied Listening to: Mayaheee, mayahoo, mayahaha aka Ozone. Could I be more gay? Britney Wannabe
4/23/2007 03:16:00 PM  Ali Larter is not the only reason for my new obsession with Heroes but she does play a huge part in it because bugger it, I am that shallow. Always slow to catch on, I watched the first 4 episodes of this yesterday (opting for hot chicks rather than appreciating the glimmer of sun we were privy to yesterday). I was enthralled by the storyline and enrapatured by the delectable Ali Larter who I vagely remember being PVC clad in Jay and Silent Bob. How the hell SHE slipped off my radar I do not know. And, if this is what she looks like in the new Resident Evil film, I will be first in line, on my own but for my bib to catch the drool, when it opens here (unless, of course, I have already missed it which would really not surprise me). Twit ta wooooooooo.  So, a wonderful weekend was had with my lovely friends and am looking forward to the day being over so I can get my gay ass home, crack open some Tizer and sit open mouthed (chins ahoy) at the fuzzy TV. I am so rock ‘n’ roll it hurts. Britney Wannabe
4/02/2007 12:51:00 PM 
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Adventures of Charmin |
