|
I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else My Profile
|
Happy 3rd Blog Birthday to Me. Yes it’s true, I really have been writing about the biggest amount of shite for 3 glorious years. How it is possible to write about getting wasted, turds (human and animal), global bums, crap mullet hairdos and fake Luis Vuitton for that length of time is beyond me, yet here I sit all that time on and I'm still bashing out nonsense as often as I can, internet connection depending. It’s been a fabulous three years and I have met some fabulous people through the power of blog and I hope that I will continue to blog for at least as long as I have blogged for already. Anyway, despite the fact it has snowed a ton over the past few days we haven’t gotten sledging yet. Our plan was to hit Cruden Bay beach with our red plastic sledge but sadly the covering was just too light and would have led to a two fully friction burned lesbo asses. So geting decked out in over sized waterproofs and green heeled welly boots was all for nothing really, except for pure comedy value. Nothing funnier than a skid mark on a green heeled welly. Trust me. I did find the biggest pair of lesbo boots ever, nestled in the back of my wardrobe where Lil Red had hidden them good, so it should now be impossible for clumsy McFee to have repeat performances of last years numerous falling over incidents. They make me look 10 foot tall and rather gay but in the name of lesbo satefy, they must be worn. Just don't acknowledge me in the street, Lil Red doesn't. And so I go to try and defuzz my hair, the constant hail showers are doing nothing to tame my white girl afro. Today's LIkes Lesbo storyline coming up in the OC Jem - shite name, good tunes Clocking up false steps on my pedometer Three years worth of Fee blog... woo hoo, I managed to stick to something One week two days til London Today's Dislikes Too much blog, not enough food Snoop Doggy Dogg... yawnsville Not having seen J Bo all year goddamn! Roll on Saturday How blotchy my big moon face gets for no reason Untidy nailvarnised nails, am the world's worst despite all the practice Britney Wannabe 
2/22/2005 01:13:00 PM You know how on GMTV(Morning TV show for you non Brits or you non early risers) they do this thing where Keith Chegwin goes to someone’s house very early in the morning, following a correct answer to a stupidly easy question the previous day, and hands over £10,000? Well, I was proper convinced that Cheggars was heading my way today. I entered the competition for the first time yesterday and after hearing the clues about where he was headed I knew my luck was in. The clues gave away the fact that he was in Aberdeen (poor man) and I looked out my window and saw a massive Hummer, really not the kind of vehicle you see cruising down our narrow, cobbled street at 7.15 am. So convinced was I that I was about to become 10 grand better off that I showered in record quick time and was dressed and ready (albeit very swollen eyed) by 7.20 am, for Keith’s big entrance. I perched on the edge of the sofa more precariously than if it were awash with venomous beasts so I could dash to answer the buzzer at top lesbo speed. I even donned my rubber gloves at one point so the house was clean on the surface for my big TV moment (something I’ve never even thought about before, as Lil Red will testify to). I even took my ultra gay picture off the wall so as not to shame any family members. When I saw the shot of where he was and saw old Cheggars running toward his final destination, I was still sure that he was nearby (even though the area he was in was as familiar to me as a meat injection). Alas, when the very eldery old lady opened her door to her ten grand I held my heavy head in my hands and cursed that bloody man who I swear drove down my street in order to lure me in a very false sense of security. So to cut a very long, over exaggerated story, I am not ten grand richer and still had to stuff my hands down the edge of the sofa in order to scrape together enough money for lunch. It’s probably just as well really (yeah right, man I am mad) because how is it possible to look at a man when you’ve seen his teeny todger, all shrivelled and playing peekaboo? Answers from all male lovers on a postcard to me please. The reason I’ve seen his chipalata is because of that naked game show thing he did. What was that all about? Naked people doing physical activities? All that bending and stretching is bad enough when performed by fully clothed people never mind by those with floppy breasts and flapping bollocks. Ick, no thanks. And so I go prepare for a weekend of snow and sledging down sand dunes. Hopefully we’ll be better prepared for it this time around and four dodgily dressed lesbos will not get caught in a blizzard. And Lil Red will not wear green welly boots complete with heel. Please baby. Britney Wannabe
2/18/2005 12:49:00 PM It was more refreshing than a freshly Fabreezed fanny that I was not the drunkest person in the world for a change on Friday night. That title went to Lil Red who was at her drunkest, ever. She doesn't remember anything post vodka numero 12 but I smugly remember her lolling around on the pavement in the torrential rain not unlike a seal on the shore. I don't however remember the gay bar on account of being in and out of there quicker than a lesbo can shout 'far too many butch dykes in here'. We left hastily on account of the perms we had recently acquired, thanks to being caught in heavy rain (of course rolling around in puddles doesn't help Miss Red). After being physically escorted home by our rather bemused lesbo chums Lil Red experienced her first drunken vomit, before craching in a heap on the floor, taking many wall fixtures with her. It's really not unusual for me to be sprawled on the floor with my head sniffing the toilet bowl but this was a whole new experience for my girl who usually has at least a thread of self control. Needless to say it's not something she wishes to repeat. Nor do my knuckles hope for a repeat performance, having been mashed into the pavement as I attempted to untangle Lil Red's limbs from the ground and mud. I am now the proud owner of two very podgy fingers, which have been rubbed raw and hurt more than I'd like. My poor girl is in the middle of her four day hangover now but I'm sure our Valentine's day hugs more than made up for that :-) We decided, after 2003's hetero trauma, to stay in this Valentine's Day, opting for take away and girl love instead. I'm sure we did the right thing... And so I go crank up the I-pod with my cool tunes a plenty and kick back with a beer (or rather, curl up on my uncomfortable chair and listen to Order of the Pheonix over asparagus soup and oatcakes.) I'm too cool for school. Really. Today's Likes Grilled aubergine My nails, so pretty 13 Senses Having finally gotten a hold of The Cement Garden on DVD Looking after my fabulous pups Today's Dislikes Last night's curry which is threatening to make a come back Steve Ex-Factor, yawnsville Joey, as funny as stepping in dog turd on a hangover day Miso soup, vomit My fatty knuckles Britney Wannabe
2/15/2005 01:30:00 PM My heart is still palpatating after ingesting copious amounts of red bull three days ago. Surely that can't be right?
On Friday night, with the help of ex work collegues I had a fully fabulous night and probably enough alcholol to consider myself a proper binge drinker. Lil Red and I also had the pleasure of shakin' our lesbo booties in the gay bar where to our relief we knew not one single soul with whom to exchange the usual yawn-inducing plesantries. You know how it is, same bar, same people, every single weekend. Can get a little tedious. Anyway, there was none of that on Friday night and feeling like the new dykes on the block, we rocked up the dance floor to the likes of Britney and Scissor Sisters before the DJ decided that post 1am was early nineties shite hour. With our dancing cut short we left abruptly, drunk and happy and not feeling the slightest bit like vomiting on my shoes. Anyway, after our ace night, we had the whole weekend together to look forward to, hangovers be damned. So the rest of the weekend was spent having a Lesbo sleepover with TV porn and homemade beds. And checking out the local dogging spots. What else is there to do on a Sunday? Say no more. Anyway, am away to gorge on pumpkin seeds and powdered soup. Life is so all good... Today's Likes Fightstar, yes really. Kill Bill, two years late. Our Lesbo Chums El Jos, tapas bar, anywhere that allows you to drink massive bottles of blue alcopops has my vote Nettle tea, got quite a sting to it Today's Dislikes Having no food in the house except carrots and frozen mash Charging too much for a dry cous cous dish in a restaurant The smell of cooking bacon Point Pleasant, really not feeling the love My teenage acne Britney Wannabe
2/07/2005 01:33:00 PM
|
Adventures of Charmin |
