I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else
And more annoying was the fact that having had a penthouse suite last week with King sized bed and megabus sized TV, this week she was housed in a pokey little room no bigger than our bathroom with two shabby single beds. Seriously doubt it. It took quite the man strength of us twa dykes to force the fossilised beds together to ensure quality night time hugs. I didn't think about falling down the gap until it happened however.
And so while Lil Red is working today I have another 3 and a half hours to kill in Inverness. You can get round the centre of town, including all the shops (christ I even went into the Photofactory to kill time) in about 20 minutes. I may even have to go to the museum or on the open top bus tour for something to do. At least with the wind and the rain in my hair (now freshly straightened thank you) I would be guaranteed to stay awake. Christ you could hang the entire H&M range off the drooping bags under my eyes. Man I'm so bonnie.
Cranberry coloured nail varnish
Getting to see my girl :-)and having her to myself for 3 days, woo hoo
Tea with the Queen
A polyester clad Triple S... wow, hot ;-)
The size of the font on this special computer
Train toilets. Is there anything more vile? I need to perfect my hovering techniques while trying to hold my flares off the pish ridden floor for the return journey
Having only 7 minutes left on here...
My gammy funny bone which I whacked earlier and is still all pins and needles. There is no need
10/29/2004 01:30:00 PM
I've been spending quality time with my parents in Lil Red's absence which is ace and bella the belly is full of goodness rather than any shite I may usually shovel into my gut out of pure laziness. Aduki beans? What the farting jesus are they all about? I will be a farting jesus after the amount of pulses I've just spooned into gut numero 3. Maybe the plastic animals section is the best place for me after all the healthy wind causing food I've been eating. At least then I can try and pass my awful stench off as a soiled nappy or ten. Not my own clearly.
Hurrah, only two days til I see my girl and have even planned a special trip to Inverness for the occasion. I will not be travelling on the bloody megabus though. I want to have feeling in my ass when I reach my destination. I'm not sure how I will cope on the train on my own some, without someone to distract me from the food guzzlers and the noisy mobile phone chat that bugs the crap outta me but I'm sure with a new set of batteries for my stereo and my gay adventure book I'll be just fine. But dare anyone crunch into a bloody apple in my face and they will feel the wrath of my bean filled ass.
And so I go call my girl and paint my scabby nails which are more ugly than the embryo which has developed on the side of my face. Yes really.
10/26/2004 08:24:00 PM
So there was moi, my Lil Red whose birthday it was, J Bo (a River City extra), Queen of Fun whose hair is so long she tucks it into her thong, Triple S (Super Sexy S) who has boar issues and of course The Beast. What trip would be complete without a hairy backside and our best friend? I wouldn't quite say we are a bunch of social retards thrown together out of convenience but we are so completely mismatched and we manage to have the best times when we hang out. The only disappointment this time around was that we never got to shake our asses in the gay bar. For no good reason there were 7000 people crammed into a bar meant for 1000. The queue for the toilet was so long that we resorted to pissing in paper cups and tossing them forward into the crowd who were grateful of the refreshement, however warm it may have been. It was fully ridiculous. There is no way you could have even side stepped on that dancefloor and for the sake of my mental health we had to avoid it completely because I get so wound up when gay boys and their fag hags swing each other around in confined spaces, sending you flying and drowning you in their juices. Vile.
I did spend a good deal of time watching my girlfriend get touched up by a pair of creepy lesbos who shall remain anonymous (you're totally not getting that money back now, Queen) but hey, Lil Red didn't seem to mind, or notice. Not that she was capable of noticing much after the amount of vodka I plyed her with...
Anyway, after making space in the digital camera and charging the batteries for a full day, I forgot to take it with me and have not one single photo, not even a Bo double chin, to post. Durr, Fee.
And so I go, prepare my monstrous locks for bed, i.e by attaching small cars to the end in order to make the hair go down and not out. What a girl must do for straight hair when her girlfriend has taken the miracle straightners out of her hands for 5 whole days. Doubt it.
10/25/2004 08:12:00 PM
And so I go pack my little bag for Glasgow. By the time I get there my outfit will have more creases in it than my face in the morning but fuck it, in a bar filled with 95% gay men, who the buggery is going to be looking at my crinkled skirt?
Lil Red, home sweet home :-)
Chewing lolly sticks well after the lolly has gone
One Pill Makes You Smaller by Lisa Dierbeck (?)
Partying in Glasgow
Borders in Glasgow, yay a gay section
People with tudes, don't take it out on the shop assistant
Finding out my girl is away for another week on top of the other two :-(
Queuing for a total of 30 minutes in bloody Boots the shiteing chemist
Not having seen the L Word in weeks... doubt it
Having one pair of straightners betweeen two massive-haired lesbos who are in different cities, not cool
PS Thank you for all the photo suggestions, they are a work in progress that will keep me amused next week :-)
10/23/2004 10:44:00 AM
Anyway, I need some amusing so am pilfering an idea from C'lam's site where I ask you the wonderful reader to tell me what you want to see a picture of and I'll do my best to post it for you. Keep it clean, I refuse to take photos of jobbies on logs or the tremendous mess that neds and their dogs leave on Union Street. I don't know if it'll work but as I really have nothing better to do, I'm giving it a go and hoping that you lovely people will humour me :-)
Anyway, seeing as the most exciting thing I have done this week is walk through a stream of male piss as he shook off in a sneaky corner unbeknownst to me, I'll just go and read my book and not wash my hair.
10/20/2004 08:00:00 PM
Aside from low flying nipples and aggresive dykes too cheap to buy their own nicotine however it was indeed a fabulous night and I got a well over due dance with my girl. Of course today it is my turn to look like a sun crusted poop but hell for that much fun, for once I do not care. I can feel the two day hangover lingering like a customer 2 minutes after the shop shuts but I'll deal with that tomorrow. For now I must go and see what other shite junky food I can scrape together from our patheticly unfilled cupboards. Pickles on oatcakes it is. Hmpf.
Yesterday's work night out
Getting up to drunken, silly mischief with my Lil Red
Gwen Stefani's new song
D.I.Y egg fried rice, salmonella here we come
Mean Girls out on DVD tomorrow, yay
Being the loudest person last night who annoyingly yelled 'meatballs' at irregular intervals for no good reason
Not knowing how to tune in the new video player and hence missing The L Word
The abundance of poofs in stripey shirts, there's just no need for that many stripes
People that just cannot take no for a bloody answer
10/17/2004 04:50:00 PM
many cheap shite shops, too many cheap shite people, art students aside. May I never slag Aberdeen and it's fake designer wearing inhabitants again. Yeah right.
At least it was a day spent not working which definitely gives it plus points, even if the megabus was as comfy as a squealchy unfreed poop. This week is going to be too long and because I'm looking forward to getting my ass on the social scene on Saturday night I know it will drag like a low ass in unsupportive pants.
And so I go gorge myself on fruit salad, yes really. Grated cheese on the top of course.
10/12/2004 07:26:00 PM
Not only did we get GHDs but we got the jumbo ones, for those with especially large hair and I can have it straight and sleek with a distinct burning odour in 15 minutes. It's all too much. I really should go out tonight to prove to the world that my hair can and will be flat (ish) but after my monster hangover on Thursday I really cannot face vodka and cigarettes. And where would I go anyway? Our solitary gay bar? What and watch wasted fucks dancing like they are trying to push out a poop? No thank you, I'd rather scratch my eyes out with rusted coat hangers.
Anyway, I watched Eternal Sunshine last night and yum delicious, Kate Winslet is hotter than toast.
And so I go get even more frustrated with my computer for not downloading anything I want it to.
10/09/2004 03:25:00 PM
My Favourite Shoe
My Furry Welly
My Well Heavy Lesbo Shoe, Wow
I went out after work last night for food and ended up damn drunk instead. Having not touched alcohol since I contracted that bug I cannot spell, I knew this was going to be a bad idea. One beer and I was wasted so there really was no need for the many, many vodkas that followed at a pound a pop. We haven't seen the lovely J Bo in weeks, possibly months so it was fully fabulous to be in her company once again as she regaled us with tales of turd and urine infections.
Also in attendance were The Queen of Fun and wow, the power of that girl's filthy looks could reduce a butch lesbo to a simpering mass of nothingness and The Beast who was reeling from the departure of his possible new boy and of course the wonderful Lil Red who's boobs just attract far too much attention... SO, what I'm trying to say is that being damn drunk means that I'm now highly hungover and because of that feeling of being a putrid poop, I needed to post pictures of my shoes. There is no other reason than that.
The Well Heavy Lesbo Shoe, as was brought to my drunken attention, is just wrong. A Heavy Lesbo Shoe should never be backless, it totally takes away its power and butchness but boy it is one heavy shoe. You can hear me clodding along for miles, people clear paths in advance for the entrance of the Heavy Lesbo Shoe wearer because to be able to lift up such a monstrous shoe, the wearer muct be pretty damn heavy herself. It takes more effort to lift my feet when in these bad boys than it does to lift my multiple guts around and that's saying something. I bet shotputters wear these shoes. And giants.
Anyway, I need more cheese because if it's half the fat I can eat double the amount, right?
Boy Meets Boy, fabulous book by David Levithan
My 'office' space at home
SMSing house phones...
Days off with my girl
Wrists adorned with bandanas, one at a time tho
Missing The L Word because of damn drunkeness
Smoky hair, was I even smoking? Oh probably
Smelling like a mouldy toldy, shower time Fee
10/07/2004 11:48:00 AM
And so I go adorn my heavy lesbo shoes which have sturdy man grips and make me look a good 5" taller and far more butch than I mean to be :-)
10/06/2004 08:47:00 AM
Well off I go as it's pretty much bed time so let's just hope that this girl of undisclosed sexuality (shit, I hope they don't think I'm into anything kinky by that non disclosure) gets a bloody job based on her skills not her lack of straightness.
Oh and for Killy, see here for lesbo shoe humiliation incidents...
10/04/2004 08:46:00 PM
The Lesbian Shoe of Death
10/03/2004 06:19:00 PM
The BikiniLineShaver Now, it is pretty damn lengthy so please feel free to skim read it because no doubt my stunningly dull persona will bore you into an early sleep or at the very worse, grave.
First best friend: Defintely JC, my roller skating buddy from round the corner
First car: 63 lessons later and I'm no closer to getting my license nevermind owning a damn car
First real kiss: Ug, that vile boy with puss filled spots and massive glasses, not to mention wandering hands. I can still feel his exzema on my skin.
First break-up: Probably the chick from Cornwall who never bothered to tell me...
First screen name: misss_spears
First self purchased album: Pearl Jam - Ten
First funeral: A family friend, first and only thank god
First pets: My cross Scottie/Poodle, ace he was
First piercing/tattoo: multiple ear piercings, gold studs, oh please
First credit card: Mastercard, 7 years later still paying off the massive debt acrued by going to London too many times
First enemy: The Bitch, also my first crush, oh she was naaasty
First big trip: NYC baby
First music you remember hearing in your house: Shakin' Stevens, I was him.
Last cigarette: Ibiza, 5 weeks ago, hours before I chucked my guts up and realised I had eaten something rotten...
Last car ride: My dad took me to my parents house just now
Last kiss: mmmmm... my LilRed 2 hours ago, yum
Last good cry: Probably over something stupid, like a fat kid winning a prize...
Last library book checked out: Am banned from all libraries for the non return of various books
Last book bought: A Ghost in the Closet by Mabel Maney
Last movie seen: Panic Room. Rarr
Last beverage drank: Redbush Tea
Last food consumed: Porridge with vanilla soya milk
Last crush: My Lil Red and Dana from the L Word
Last phone call: My dad
Last time showered: 1 1/2 hours ago, clean, mmmm
Last shoes worn: The Lesbian Shoes of Death, thank god there is no rain
Last item bought: A wheat free tuna crepe
Last annoyance: My job
Last time wanting to die: Probably after I got grounded and wasn't allowed to go dancing to see my hot teacher... I'm talking years ago... and there were no tutus involved I promise
Who are your best friends? Lil Red, Queen of Fun, J Bo, The Beast, Gobby Bobby, Babs,
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Oh yes
Where is your favorite place to shop? I don't even remember the last time I shopped, probably bloody ebay
Any tattoos or piercings? 4 tattoos and various piercings
Do you do drugs? Nope
What kind of shampoo do you use? Anything that smells dellicious
What are you most scared of? Going mad
What are you listening to right now? Deep Dish - Flashdance
Where do you want to get married? Eh, somewhere that isn't Aberdeen, the Isle of Lesbos perhaps
How many buddies are online right now? Don't have any...
What would you change about yourself? I'd drop half my body weight and hope it doesn't land on anyone
Color: Pink, black
Boy's names: Jack
Girl's names: Eliza
Subjects in school: English, hot teacher you see
Sports: hell no
Perfume: Eau de BO
HAVE YOU EVER
Given anyone a bath? Yes yes
Smoked? Yup, started when I was 15 but gave up when I met someone who'd rather I didn't taste like a fag end
Bungee jumped? Not on your life
Made yourself throw up? Oh yes
Skinny dipped? No way, would scare off any living creatures
Been in love? Yes...
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? No, the crying thing happens as a matter of course with me, I don't need to force it
Pictured your crush naked? Don't need to picture it...
Actually seen your crush naked? yes
Cried when someone died? Yes
Lied? yes, badly
Fallen for your best friend? No way
Been rejected? God yeah
Rejected someone? A couple of times when it was absolutely necessary :-)
Used someone? No I don't think so
Done something you regret? Where do you want me to start?
Clothes: Cords, tee, lesbo shoes,
Music: My own persnal mix
Make-up: Glitter only, too fat handed to apply make up decently
Annoyance: The fact that I am so bloody knackered
Smell: dog breath, not sure if it's mine or my pup's
Favorite artist: Ask me something else
Desktop picture: britney
CD in PLayer: Pink
DVD in player: The Office, Lucy Davis, mmmm
Color of toenails: colourless but very long. Gadz
You touched: My mum
Hugged: my mum
You imed: I texted The Beast if that counts
You kissed: Girlfriend, and what a kiss it was
Understanding: I think so
Open-minded: Of course
Arrogant: I have nothing to be arrogant about
Interesting: Depends on my mood, today - no way
Smart: In some respects although I was descibed as 'clever but fluffy'
Moody: Christ yes
Hardworking: Not as much I should be but when your heart is not in it...
Organized: Explain the meaning of this word please.
Healthy: In terms of what I eat, yes but otherwise my health sucks
Shy: I lack conversational skills if that's the same thing
Attractive: If you keep your eyes closed
Bored easily: No but my concentration is appalling
Responsible: Boringly so
Obsessed: Am very compulsive about many things
Angry: YES, only when I'm tired... which is pretty much constantly...
Sad: Nah :-)
Disappointed: Only with myself for being in a poopy job
Hyper: Sometimes... my Lil Red makes me hyper
Trusting: Yes, sometimes too trusting
Talkative: Only with people I know and when I am seriously wasted
WHO DO YOU WANNA
Kill: No one really
Slap: The list is too long but at the top it would be Mr Burberry
Get high with: Britney baby
Look like: a slimmer version of me probably
Talk to offline: My girlfriend
Talk to online: Anyone who who can stand my excessive typos
WHICH IS BETTER
Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi
Flowers or candy: Flowers, they don't add 10 pounds
Tall or short: Either works for me
In the morning I am: Moody and always rushing
All I need are: my girl, a new york apartment and a fabulous job
Love is: fully fabulous
I dream about: Weird stuff involving my teeth being extracted
What do you notice first: Voice and hair
Last person you danced with: My girl, in the flat, like twatts
Worst question to ask: Are you gay?
Who makes you laugh the most: Lil Red and J Bo
Who makes you smile: Lil Red, my friends
who gives you a funny feeling when you see them: people I thought were my friends but clearly are not
Who has a crush on you: My Lil Red I presume...
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Yes! I have packed my pants before but haven't strapped down my boobs
Wish you were younger: of course, hmpf
Of guys I've kissed: Too many to even think about... New Year is an excuse to get tongued by the most vile specimens in quantity, when you are 17
Of girls I've kissed: About 20? I only remember the good or the really bad though
And that concludes todays tour of The Fee. I hope you have enjoyed your trip and I would welcome any feedback you may have. I also hope you are still with us and I haven't tipped you over the edge into total and utter boredom.
Cobb Island by Blayne Copper - a bit flouncy but not bad
Seeing people I haven't seen in ages unexpectedly
Finding hideyholes in work so I can be a proper loner while eating my lunch
Waking up with my baby
Not having 2 days off in a row
Washing my hair, such an effort
The return of the evil one on Monday
Heavy lifting, there is just no need
My eggy breath despite not having eaten eggs and having cleaned my teeth
Not enough Dana or Shane in the last L Word
10/01/2004 01:34:00 PM
Adventures of Charmin
Ariel Pay it Forward
Come to the Dark Side...
Dirty Little Homos
Fash Mag Slag
Het (aka Quickfit)
Hit the Jag Spot...
Knee Deep In It...
Life and Times of a Desperado
On Top of the World>