Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Tuesday, January 31

It’s been a whopping 3 months since my last shoddy post – definitely my longest blogger hiatus in my 4 year writing history. Unfortunately my excuses are rather poor, albeit legitimate; I was in jail for having stolen someone else’s slim and very firm belly and passing it off my own. Oh if only getting a skinny gut was that simple. No, really I was touring the continent as part of freakish circus troupe with my ‘talent’ being that I have the biggest nipples in the world, off which you can hang 12” vinyls and a whole rack of winter coats. Actually, no one I know would pay money to see jumbo nips dressed up in fur so that can’t be right. Oh fuck it. The series of events which have led to my blogger break are only vaguely unfortunate and down right boring. I was lacking in motivation for reasons I won’t get in to which was followed by a house move and daily ‘discussions’ with bloody aol to hook me up to the internet as a matter of urgency. This part has yet to happen so my internet time is still exceedingly limited. I can’t use the internet regularly at friends’ houses, public places or at work because I temporarily have the use of only one leg and therefore my public outings are fairly limited. Yup, I’ve broken a bone: my ankle to be precise and am up to my bloody knee in plaster and hobbling around on crutches like the gammy-legged ass that I am.

Do you remember that one day of snow we had at the end of December? Yeah, that was the day, in the company of the Oldest Lesbo I Know and her daughter, I decided to resurrect my sledging days (you know like when I was 11 and was even more grossly overweight and broke every sledge I ever owned due to mega bellyflopping on them?). Yeah, such a good idea to recreate those days.

So, I literally took the sledge out of the car, threw my whole body weight (phew) on the sledge and collided exceedingly heavily with a fence which was about 2 miles from where I started. It's all a bit of a two second blur and within those two seconds my sledging days were over once again. I should have learned that heavy people, plastic sledges and ill-placed fences do not mix.

I had dressed inappropriately for the occasion, wearing a pair of trousers which were exceedingly cold on my legs (dare I say shell-suit?!) and in the absence of pride I opted to buy a pair of tights (barely black!) for a bargain at 99p to induce a bit of warmth around the leg area. I joked that were I to be involved in an accident whilst wearing sweaty, discoloured tights, there was no way I was to be taken to hospital. Oh the shame of having said, wifey-ish tights cut off my legs! Needless to say that after I crashed into the fence, stood up, spewed and realised that I could not walk on my now even fatter ankle, there was no way in this world I was going to the hospital. I considered cutting the tights off myself until it occurred to me that not only was I wearing tights, but I also had the hairiest legs known to man, woman and beast with not a razor in sight. Oh and then there was the dirty plaster that had become embedded in my ankle for a good 6 months. It was not looking good.

After the removal of the tights and a very painful sleep I had The Queen of Fun brandish a razor at me (and a helping hand) and take me to Accident and Emergency where I was wheeled about in a massive, wheelchair/commode, checked out by the lesbo nurse and lectured on being a flipping idiot. I went home with my head in my hands, my leg in plaster and a number in my pocket ;-)

This post is already more lengthy than my toe nails so I won’t proceed to bore you with ‘my life in plaster’ which is actually more entertaining than you’d believe and really has made me appreciate things I may have previously taken for granted, for example, the joys of showering and making myself a cup of tea and being able to transport it without burning myself and losing all liquid by the time I get to a seat. Oh and all the people who have had to run around after my now even blobbier butt of course :-)

And so I go do my ass clenches before attempting to perfect the art of hopping without breaking a sweat. Yeah right.

It really is good to be back.