Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Thursday, February 28

I have been staying in London now for 5 weeks with only one more week remaining. I ask myself, is there really more to London than celeb spotting? Sharing a flat with 3 people, 2 of which have sunk into the sofa due to doin’ nothing but watch trashy soaps and Footballers Wives, I believe the answer is no, not really. The first few hours in our new flat was spent devising our new game of celeb spotting. This proved endless and the rules were meticulous. A table was placed on the wall to chart our successes and categories were arranged, denoting which classification certain celebs were. For example, the A list consisted of Hollywood stars while the C list contained National treasures (Cilla Black and so on) and the Z list was all the washed out freaks who were really goin nowhere (glamour models and children’s TV presenters. NB Not Blue Peter presenters, they were in a class of their own). We also drew up our own list of ‘dream spots’ (mine included Kate Winslot but was not allowed to add Janice Battersby, or sister Janet) and ‘assholes I don’t want to lay eyes on’ (mine included Christian from A1 and ANYONE from Crossroads). Catching a glimpse of anyone on your own personal lists meant game over, you have won.

Celeb spotting began straight away as we happened to stroll past a charity premier and see way too many Z lists to mention. I should also point out that to actively seek out a celebrity (turning up with your camera and microphone at a premiere for instance) was not allowed.

I have seen numerous celebs in my time here and still get flustered and jaw droppingly star struck every time I see a new one. Even Sanjay from Eastenders brought about a little flutter. While this might seem like a sad little hobby (it is also that) it has a more serious side. I have become obssessed. My compulsive personality has ensured that. Every corner I turn my heart pounds with the excitement of who could be round it. Every sunglasses wearer is a model and each pashmeena I come across belongs to an actress from Friends. I have seen Kylie on the tube reading Penthouse, I have seen Mel Gibson is full Irish regalia at the Aberdeen Angus Steakhouse. Everyone is a celeb to me and these people who try so hard to look famous convince me so well. At a rather trendy market I attended last week I even saw a Geri Halliwell, complete with ferret like dog which was not allowed to dirty its paws on the ground. Why do people tease me so? Do you know I even saw Halyey the transexual from Coronation Street in a lesbian bar? Well that is not hard to take in. For the duration of my stay in the bar I had my scrunched up receipt all ready for her to sign until I was dragged out screamin ‘Hayley I love you’. It wasn’t her. It’s now officially all I think about (apart from food of course). I will be glad to go home to my little city where the only ‘famous’ people I will ever see are local newsreaders and politicians and attempt to quash my obsession. I mean, in Aberdeen there is certainly no mistaking anyone for someone famous (apart from the odd Martine McCutheon or Kelly McDonald of Angie from Emmerdale) so there will be no temptation. And when try to spoil my friends with all the amazing celebs I saw I will no longer be believed and this will force me to get a hold of my life and no longer see soap actors everytime I close my eyes. Oh for the record the Jo Guest encounter was not a myth.

I guess for the remainder of my stay I will continue to sweat profusely when I get a glimpse of someone wearing fur and tassels, as well as waving my hands ridiculously and gibbering and jumpin on the spot when I see a smoker’s hat glide past me. And I will pray that my obsession is allowed to witter away when I return to my life of uncool people wearing sunglasses for only geniune reasons. And while these London wannabes will continue to poke fun at my life and pretend they are famous, I will continue my search for Janice Battersby. Tomorrow I go to Manchester to fulfil my quest.

Today’s Likes

People who eat chocolate like it’s a work of art
Bueno Bars
Bad Girls (TV and otherwise)
Seein’ people you haven’t seen in awhile
Pretty People

Today’s Dislikes

Long feet in bright white trainers
Soggy floors that gather loose pubes
Saggy jowls
Non-stickable glitter
Smelly Hair