Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Tuesday, March 5

Two things have changed since I last wrote – my age and my opinion on lesbians. So, I guess it’s happy Birthday to me then. I have reached the whopping age of 23 and am entirely unimpressed. I mean while my youthful looks ensure I am always asked for ID (even in local asian corner shops notorious for sellin smokes to toddlers fresh out of diapers), it doesn’t make me feel any better or feel less old. I have a real issue with 23. It’s such a non age. It really has no meaning, apart from signifying that you are really old and are in fact very close to, dare I say, MID TWENTIES. So, if I go missing, my soon to be saggin face will appear on a milk carton with the strapline, ‘Woman, MID TWENTIES, senile, missin’ from her OAP home for 20 minutes, do not approach - this woman is wrinkled’ That is my other issue, no not wrinkles but the word woman. Me a woman?? That is SO old and despite having been called a ‘lady’ twice since coming to London (once by chinese chicks selling food at Camden but they call everyone ladies, even Straight Man A, and once last nite by a dude in the Levi store) I so am not a lady. I am about as lady as Brad Pitt scoffing testosterone for breakfast. So what’s left? Girl? Too young, makes me sound as old as I look which maybe isnt a bad thing. How about chick? Bird? Too animal like and while often I look like a wild boar, particularly after 2.5 beers, I am no fluffy squeaking thing. I guess ‘girl’ it is then but at 23 I am really sure I don’t qualify.

So, I had some pretty cards today and had to remove Straight Man A’s cards which have been festering on the mantelpiece for a good month, to make room for them all… Or maybe not. It is very odd being away from home on my birthday, not that I’m gonna get all depressed and meaningful, I just miss my family and most of my friends. I thought this would be a lonely birthday but in the past 3 minutes it has transpired that my boss has brought in cakes and wine. He will be my husband, oh yes he will be my husband.

As for the complete turn around in my bad attitude toward lesbians, here’s wot happened. Here is the life changing episode that has made me see lesbians in a clearer, less manly light. Ok that’s a bit extreme but last night myself and Straight Man A went to another lesbo bar… I wanted further proof that all lesbians are men. I didn’t get it. The Candy Bar was instantly more inviting with more than 3 lesbians in it and funky beats… The bar was very trendy. For a second I thought I was in an upmarket gay bar but no, here it was, a lesbian bar with comfy chairs, regular girl looking lesbians and no pints of lager in sight. There was however a pool table, but even this was hidden upstairs so butch lesbos playing it were not visible, outta sight outta mind as they say. Once again the bar maid was good looking, not my type but nice nevertheless and the fact that she called me ‘darlin’ in a soft london accent scored her points with me instantly. We sipped on bottled beer (goddamn they even put a slice of lime in the ‘Sol’) smoked unnaturally low tar cigarettes and actually felt relaxed and non sneered at. While I got looked at, this was in an appreciative way as opposed to some sleaxy 'I wanna fuck you' kind of way, although I'm sure they did (wanna fuck me that is). There were regular girlie couples with no one trying to be someone they were not. I don't mean that they were all pure girlie or anything but they were regular people with their own styles aplenty. Lesbians who tried too hard to avoid the stereotypes by femme -ing themselves up annoy me as much as real butch lesbians. They tend to look not only uncomfortable with their girlie status, but completely stupid. They also tend to think that adding a smidgen of mascara will make them look beautiful. Being a femme does not automatically equal beautiful. For some it does. I know one real femme who is a femme because that's her look and it always has been. She doesnt try to be girlie, she just is. And yes, she is beautiful. I do not try to be girlie, somedays I am more femme than butch but mostly I am more butch than femme. I am just me and I wear what I wanna wear according to how I feel when I get up. But I digress.... Rant over. And so we left this unsually cool lesbian joint, impressed and mind altered. Lesbians DO have the ability to be normal people.

I did not have a repeat episode of Chip Shop Chips and instead found myself trailing around 24 hour Tescos for a healthy bit of herb bread. Well Done me. However, this did not stop me from waking repeatedly during the night to down litres of water, nor did it stop me shaving my tongue this morning or eliminating my flatmates with my herby beery breath. How on earth is it physically possible to suffer from a hangover (mini or otherwise) after 2 smirnoff ices and a bottle of beer? Fuck. I really am 23.

Today’s Likes

Swimming Underground by Mary Woronov
People being nice to me on my Birthday
Moulin Rouge
Basement Jaxx – Where’s your head at?
Sugary tea (it really does cure all)

Today’s Dislikes

Wannabe femmes who suit being a femme as much as Pat Butcher does
Pink Anoraks with fur
People who deface MY britney pics (Straight Man A you have been warned….)
Britney’s curly hair (olivia newton john gone very wrong)
Cappucino Nutra Grains