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I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else My Profile
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Yesterday was all about smiling. It was supposed to be at least. I have been reading some nice positive thinking books and one book suggested I detox my mind. I thought I might give it a go. It’s a 30 day plan whereby I do what it says in this book and by the end of this time my head is clutter free and all thoughts are happy ones. It is so worth a try and it means the burning of various oils and chanting affirmations when things look bad… I will so be losing my voice. And that kind of negativity will get me nowhere. Positive thoughts only from now on. Anyway, task 1 of my way to a better life is to smile, pretty much at everyone. None of this plastered on clown smile as fake as half my hair but real genuine smiles. Did you know that kids smile around 400 times and by the time you hit the joys of adulthood you can barely crack a smile 15 times. Says a lot. Once you complete day 1 task you move on to task 2. However, I have been working on day 1s task for a few days now. This is so not gonna be a 30 day detox, try 30 months, please not years though. The hardest part of smiling, cos I guess overall I really am a smiley person, is smiling and thanking bus drivers for the huge amount of money they just charged you for 3 minutes warmth (unless you get on my bus where the junkies like to open every window thinking it disguises the whiff of their pot, you’d have to be stoned to believe that). They never seem to offer pleasantaries to anyone except the bus spotters who frequent their buses daily and even then its cos they are taking the piss out of them. There have been numerous broken pensioners with rude drivers not waiting the extra 10 minutes it takes these poor old dears to get to their seats. Patience is a virtue, not one of mine but a virtue nevertheless. I think it’s a power thing. My bus is bigger than you, my seat is higher than yours so I am gonna snort at you and ask you to repeat your destination 16 times so every deaf fucker knows you are going to some lame shop or another. But anyway, I got up in the morning and had to tell myself that I ‘loved myself’. Over and over. It wasn’t in a ‘fuck fee I wanna fuck you now’ cos that’s a regular thought anyway but it was a deep sense of overall love for myself. It was weird and I felt kinda silly when I heard a bang on the window and here was Mr window cleaner giving a chuackle and a wave. I got over that though and it all makes sense. I am not entirely convinced that I have completed task 1 yet because today I really didn’t feel like smiling. I felt more like ripping my eyes out with rusted blunted shears but that didn’t seem like an option. I am eager to carry out task 2 though so if I smile continuously for the next 2 hours I will feel justified in moving onto it. I am not supposed to check what the tasks are in advance and for once I decided that the element of surprise was for me so I will just have to wait. Yeah I don’t do surprises. I can’t bear the wait and I never get excited at the thought of them. I am possibly the nosiest person in history and while I am trying to remedy my many flaws, I am hoping that this one will be one of the firsts to go. I have learned a painful lesson in being nosey and have decided that my inqusitive mind is better off not knowing so many things.
Yesterday in order to ease myself into some sort of sleep I bought various homeopathic pills and lotions. I am adverse to taking anything chemical (even Proplus makes me see triple and convulse) so I spent a small credit card fortune on stuff that I hoped would help me get a good 4 hours sleep. I bought Kalms because they are centuries old and I trust old stuff as well as enough lavender to start my own garden which will ensure I attract many an old person. Like I say, I like old stuff. I guess my evening was ok. I can feel shit and shove on some Britney or anything with a hip swinging beat and that’s me, up dancing like a mad person. Sometimes I don’t even get up and remain in my chair swinging the shoulders clicking my freezin’ fingers. WHY? WHY god did you invent chair dancing? It’s so uncool. I loate chicks that think they are Madonna on LSD and and wiggle everything and even manage to rotate their hips while sunk into a large sofa that was made for losing your arse. I don’t get it. I mean I love to dance and have even been known to pull off a tap dance mid routine to Steps but I just don’t do chair dancing. I think it’s mainly the head motions that accompany this ‘sport’. Funky chicken has never been a good look. Even hot chicks can’t pull this off and hot chicks I normally let off with pretty much anything. I watched Badgirls with as much interest as a lesbian viewing nob and worried about how much sleep I needed before I could go party on Saturday. Instead of lying there eyes open for hours thinking about all the stuff I don’t wanna ever think about, I shut my eyes and before I knew it, it was 4.30am. Impressive. However, I think the Kalms decided their work was done and needed to help no more so I lay for bout an hour thinking about all the stuff I don’t even wanna think about. Well at least the ‘bruises’ under my eyes have slightly decreased which is a shame in a way cos I looked like I was in Badgirls for awhile, no one would have messed with me and my battered junkie look. Yesterday I ate half a tin of beans smothered in brown sauce (a Straight Man A favourite also. Any excuse for a link huh?) with a liberal sprinkling of cheese. It should have tasted good. It felt too much like effort. As much effort as it is gonna take to stop myself from letting one go every 4 seconds. Please, if anyone sees me on the bus, do not, I repeat, do not come within shouting distance of me. I fuckin stink. Listening to: snap Today’s Likes Sleeping drugs People who can talk to you more than once a day, if needs be Anything happy Saturday night Smiling Today’s Dislike’s Pulled arse muscles… After effects of beans East 17 Thinking Coursework due in next week, fuck Britney Wannabe 
3/22/2002 09:15:00 AM
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Adventures of Charmin |
