Well I awoke to a mouth of dead budgies at 6.30am, thought it was 8.30am and got up in a panic. Thinking I was going to be late for my Jo Guest presentation I threw on my clothes (all black because I thought we were getting videoed doing them, mind you, with these bags I was fucked no matter how fat I looked) and about fell down the stairs with my half shut eyes. My dad asked where the fuck I was going at such a ridiculous time in the morning before pointing out the real time. Shit I had only been asleep 3 hours and in that time I had risen to the toilet 4 times so really that’s a broken sleep of 2 ½ hours. Not good when you got to face a room full of people with every eye on you and your drooping lids and belly. I did my best to sleep for the next 2 hours but paranoia about sleeping in made sure that the only dozing I got was in 4 minute bursts. When I finally got up it was 9am and my bus was in 10 minutes so I took my impending BO and arse mouth off to the bus stop, quite possibly with the biggest trousers in the world, being the only thing clean and the only thing to hide my layers of chubs. I made it to my presentation before anyone else, would you believe the unluck of that? Oh I would. It turned out that we would not be videoed, thank god and there were only 6 of us plus 2 lecturers to perform to. The screen we had to present our powerpoint slide show on was about the size of my living room and we got to use a hand held mouse to click our way through our presentations. It was all very high tech and fancy, like most of the other people’s presentations and most unlike mine. I realised how much effort I had not put into mine as everyone else graced through their talks with great ease. And then it was mine. I explained that as my placement had been very informal I wanted to reiterate this within my talk. As I was explaining this my presentation appeared on the mammoth screen in all its bright pinkness and there was talk of nipping out to buy sunglasses. Well I guess it got their attention. It blinded me in my hangover state. I should have thought about that before. I stumbled through my talk with arms flapping and over use of the phrase ‘kinda like’. I had inserted a link to the company’s website but two things stopped me impressing the lecturers with this. For one, I was scared that bending over would allow Mister Crack to make an appearance and for two, if I had bent over, I know for a fact that an eggy hangover fart would have snuck out and penetrated all nasal cavities. I had to be thoughtful in this enclosed situation. And as I raced through my presentation with the speed of a dog licking its arse it was almost time for Jo Guest to make an appearance. I thought I would end the talk before she showed up because I realised that I was actually quite shy but I looked over at my London flatmates who were grinning with anticipation at Jo’s imminent arrival so I knew I had to be brave. And then here she was. Wall sized Jo Guest with her fanny as close to out as Gareth Gates and her breasts being nuzzled by her own mouth. I couldn’t take it back now. My face got redder as my lecturers clearly thought I had problems. And then there was more. The following slide was my ‘Mayfair’ slide which featured a collage of Mayfair mag covers. I told them about my offered work experience and how happy I was to have a contact in the porn industry. I even think I heard a chuckle. And it was all over. I couldn’t take it back or do it all over again, nor would I want to but I am only glad that it wasn’t my BO that the whole of the class could smell.
Yesterday I made myself eat 3 bits of chocolate minibix (the rest were devoured by my doggies), a congealed tuna sandwich and a packet of seaweed peanuts that made me piss funny colours. Oh and not forgetting the all important gerkin that I slipped down the back of my throat. I’m sure it reminded me of a penis but it’s been so long since I saw one I really couldn’t say. It was slimy and bumpy so I think I was right enough.
Oh and I will be removing my ‘rate me’ link for the sake of my mental health. So thank you all you lovely people who rated me highly and thanks immensely to those of you nasty cowardice bastards who could not email me to constructively criticise my site but instead chose to rate me in the ‘hate it’ category because you THOUGHT it was anonymous. Well done all you clever little fuckers.
Listening to: Kylie: Fever
My dogs and their swanky nu haircuts
People who pretend they are your best friend
The word vacuous
No more uni for 12 days or summit
Struggling to find likes
People scratchin their licey heads