Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Saturday, May 4

I wish I were in London. Myself and Straight Man A reminisced over our London times on Thursday night. It feels so long ago and if I could do it all over a again I really would, only for longer and this time there would be no lonely spells and more time would be spent drinking and celeb spotting would still be hobby numero ono but this time the only celebs I’d be spotting would be A list. Forget all these soap stars from fourth rate soaps (Emmerdale) and reality tv ‘stars’ cause let’s face it, who gives a damn that someone spotted someone from Shipwrecked. Ok, actually that was impressive as miss s spotted Lucy the lesbo who waved her flag around daily and was half ugly half not ugly in a gay bar and got perved at. Not as impressive as Jo Guest of course but I’m sure that’s a story you have already heard 4000 times. I’m getting kinda sad that I no longer get to sit in ‘greasey spoon’ cafes with all the foosty workmen checking me and my tuna ciabatta out. Never had I had lunch so cheap, 30 p for a cup of tea and 80p for a sandwich, hence the reason I could afford to smoke for 6 weeks and shop til my suitcase would not shut. Those were the days, drinking 3 pints and being in bed by 10pm feeling guilty at the chips I had consumed. Well nothing much has changed there. Hanging out in Camden, eating ethnic snacks by the shit load, and boy did they make you shit loads, and just generally having more fun there than here. And as I’m thinking about all this I’m getting on the bus yesterday and suddenly I am back in London. The bus is packed and I am forced to do the standing up thing where you hang onto a strap and your whole body is thrown around the bus as you try and keep your mammoth ass out of people’s faces but still they point and jeer as you hang on for dear life with arm muscles popping. It’s like London tube hell all over again. Only it’s not. There is no courtesy on London tubes and here on my Aberdeen bus were 100 old people trying to be too generous with the limited available seating. Or maybe they were just trying to defy the fact they are very old, “No you take that seat as you’re older than I am’” “No, please you take it, I have only one wooden leg while it appears as though you have two and a fake hip. Or maybe that’s cos you’ve done a stool in your pants.” It was weird. The amount of fighting over who should sit on a seat is a far cry from London where old people have no chance of a seat cos the people are so bloody rude and more interested in opening their massive papers in your face and letting sly farts go. I love the tubes. The scope for observation is far better. There’s such a mix of people on tubes, even the odd famous person has been spotted hanging out with the minions and joining the sweaty crew. If I were famous, or let’s say, when I’m famous, I will travel by cab everywhere. While I have confessed my love for public transport, no really…, it’s self induced torture. If you can afford not to do it, why do it? Why put yourself through all those glares and elbows to the ribs if you don’t have to? Tubes are a public health hazard and travelling on them when you don't have to really is self mutilation. Who needs a knife or a bag full of razors when you can just put yourself on a tube at rush hour? Fuckin weird that is. One thing I miss about London is the sweat. Aberdeen sweat is just that, Aberdonian bams with too many layers of tracksuit sweating Aberdeenness. London has multinational sweat. Everywhere you go the sweat smells different and being on tubes and working in Finsbury Park allowed me to experience this. You can tell what every fucker had for their dinner for the past 8 nights. If it’s not just sweat it’s the stench of shit an farts which people are so fond of letting go in confined places just so passer bys know they had a korma curry with Bombay mix on the side with a portion of sardines to go. How thoughtful.

Tis sunny. I'm going out.