Pretty much I have been a wandering zombie/jobbie, which ever term you prefer, for the past couple of days. Being pretty much the skintest person in history, for my Friday night post work drinks I was set to indulge in some stress relieving cokes. By the time 4 pm rolled on by it was clear that I would not be able to sit in a pub and drink soft drinks that taste of slightly flavoured soda for 4 hours. And so the girls at my office had a whip round. To my name I had around £3.10. Barely enough for one Vodka Bar pitcher and as I needed to last drinking from 5.30pm to 9pm I knew I needed at least 2 pitchers which equals 4 pints. Money was donated to the worthy Fee’s Drinking cause and I was ready to drink and smoke with Straight Man A, Beautiful Boy and Queen of Fun who was a last minute entry. I got a free pint out of the equation as my beer had been served in a pitcher so encased with shit it would have been more at home in a homeless man’s arse. By 7pm I was wasted, and I had only had 2 and half pints in the Vodka Bar which was full of football hooligans soaking up the Aberdeen sun and being gobby and bam-ish so we moved on to the new bar of choice, Chi where I spewed. I didn’t throw up more than the bit of macaroni pie I had just eaten but it was a spew nevertheless and gave me the momentum to sip an alcopop or two. I really am good at this drinking game. I had to meet Lil Red from the train at 9pm so I tottered off with Straight Man A on my arm, him doing his best to hold my bulk up and me trying my best to act the sober chick. It worked as well as I have at uni this past term and I swayed my way to Safeways to sniff the bread and noodles and buy more food than I could possibly consume in a month with someone else’s money. Despite the early hour, I knew I would be rough the following morning. I was. I slunked around work like a hunchback on downers and knew that I should not go out again for at least a week. But being me, I went home, slipped on a white shirt and cute pink tie and headed for pre out drinks with Lil Red and Straight Man A. Because we are minks and begrudge the whole pound charged per jacket in new gay bar OUT, we decided to go jacketless and because of this froze our assortment of asses off and jumped in a taxi for the 3 minute journey we would have to endure. We spotted a homeless person who really had ideas way beyond his station and instead of begging with his little polystyrine cup which would have been picked off the ground outside mcdonalds, this particular man had a bucket as big as a whore’s fanny for punters to throw in their loose change. Clearly this man is new to Aberdeen if he thinks he could ever fill a bucket with Aberdonian’s money in a night. They are such tight bastards that this bucket would never be filled were the homeless man to sit their for the rest of eternity, twice over. You gotta feel for the guy. Next thing you know this dude will have his soiled legs wrapped around a wheelie bin and expect that to be filled with more than shit and burger wrappers. A staggering 30 seconds and £3 later we arrived to meet J Bo in the way too packed Vodka Bar where I’m convinced someone tried to have a sneaky peak in my fanny pack, again. Lil Red made about 5 points of sitting on someone’s head in her drunken swaying and head lolling state and still she continued drinking. God I get jealous easy. Unable to suffer the leers from curtain haired YSL shirted men, we took ourselves to OUT where we lasted at least 50 minutes. I got a few lacklustre dances but with Lil Red unable to see me and me feeling like poop we decided it was not a night for ‘the duncin’ and homeward we went for a Sizzler for Lil Red and cheese slices a plenty for chubby chaser here, Miss Fee. And as my eyes are bleary and I’m having guilt trips at the amount of food I have consumed over the past 2 weeks I will go and think about people who eat more than I do. That won’t take long.
Listening to: Four Strings: (Take me away) Into the Night