Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Friday, July 19

The Big Clean Up

Although it has now been 5 days since my 'party' I am still feeling the effects and I fear my garden will suffer in squidgy silence till eternity. I arose at an unearthly hour of 12pm on Monday morning/afternoon to survey the damage of the previous day/night. I wish I hadn't bothered. I wish I had remained in bed till all time had passed and there was only death left. The garden was probably worse hit but the kitchen looked not unlike the remains of a mental patient annual tea party where there had been no supervision. I checked out the paddling pool which had been used more as a diving pool and bath and was horrified by what I saw. I expected the odd bit of floaty grass and maybe even some soil but the amount of toe scum there was skimming around the surface of the infested water was unbelievable and most unexpected. I only hope it was toe scum. Toe scum is foul enough but nob scum is clearly worse. Mind you I'm glad the pool was used as a cleaning place cos imagine what could have been left in my shiny enamel shower... The shower curtain was already pulled down and no one was even in the goddamn thing. The water slide was in disarray and I'm sure I saw a print of my fat gut engrained around the middle. The grass was brown and I do hope this was due to it being waterlogged and was in no way connected to the only item of clothing still hanging on my washing line - a pair of skiddy biffs. The owners of these brown boxers shall remain anonymous unless they are collected in a black bag before Sunday. And that is a threat. Remove these soiled punties are your name is published here for all (and many of Aberdeen's gay scene) to see because the fumes are doing major damage to my once pretty flowers. That's really not something I was prepared for at that time of day, after about 5 hours broken sleep and about 400 units of alcohol and a similar amount of smoked cigarettes. I don't cope with such vulgarity when hungover. The other surprise of the day was the finding of an onion skin in my bathroom bucket which had been massacred by my blood hungry doggie. The mystery has since been cleared up as noted in previous account of party. We thought someone's periods were stinkin' and were most relieved to discover the onion skin which accounted for the rancid smell. Why you would dare someone to to eat a raw onion in a bathroom and then eat the other half yourself is beyond me. But then it was Mad A and she is beyond help. With the amount of alcohol that had been spilled on my carpet (mentioning no names Lil Red... who wins the Miss Clumsy 2002 award) I could have gotten drunk by licking up the carpet, something as a lesbian I should be quite adept to. I don't know what happens to people when they become drunk but automatically it equals becoming inconsiderate. I aint moaning because I know I sure as hell paid no consideration to the carpet when I put my fag out on it or to the sun dial when I picked it up and smashed it on the ground but people just seem to forget things like ashtrays, not feeding dogs chocolate, not raiding parents' cupboards for brandy and not taking ornaments home because you've developed a sudden cleptomania problem. It's all wrong. There was also a wine and a fanny pad thief. I know the dog had part in the fanny pad escapades because we found a huge soggy pad which seemed to inflate with excess saliva tucked away in his corner, all sodden and wrapperless (also unused thankfully). The wine is still a mystery. It was also found that dogs had peed over various people's belongings and while some of these were very apparent, I kept my mouth shut about the more subtle pee smelling articles of clothing, particularly if I didn't approve of the colour or style of such an item. Cruel but fair, as were many a fashion item sported by some guests (myself included who had been relegated to a Barbie tee after much water fun). Other discoveries that have been made since the demise of the party were the two poofs who blew each other off behind my garage which is visible for at least 5 houses to see so I wonder no more why I have been gobbed on more times than a dry virgin getting her first fingering since Sunday. If I could do it all again I would make every person stay in my home, with force if necessary to clean up the following day. I would make sure they swept up the piles of puke they left behind my buckets, make them sieve out the pool with their teeth and then I would make them drink from every cup the put dog food or left tabbies in. And as a final touch I would insist they sucked the piss off the floor in the bathroom with a thick straw and teach them to have a better drunken aim because my toilet smells ranker than a whore's fanny with the 14 different types of piss that is soaked into the floor. And so readers off I go to watch pompous Tim get evicted from Big Brother and then maybe tidy some more. Maybe I will even empty the paddling pool of it's mouldy feet contents. Or maybe I wont because today has been a good day. So far.