Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Monday, July 22

Have you ever seen a 22 year old girl guide in a uniform made for a 9 year old giving a lesbian a lap dance? I never thought I would. In fact it’s not something I had ever thought about until J Bo’s party on Saturday night where too much vodka led to people dressing up in all her clothes she has had since the age of 5. Beautiful Boy in all his slenderness stretched a full body, glitter catsuit on with matching sparkley baseball cap and strutted around the home-made dance floor like a ballerina with balls, only to disappear and make a casual entrance in a white tutu which did much justice to the size of his whopping balls which would have been more at home on a full sized horse. Joining into the spirit of lycra clothes I found myself squeezing my chubby ass into a purple leotard and pulling it up around my cords to reveal the enormity of my fanny to the entire room. A jealous girl guide aka Mad A was so distraught at the size of my puss that she had to accentuate her own (slender?) fanny and pull her tiny guide jogging bottoms all the way up to meet her equally tiny guide hooded jumper. I still won but her triangular shape was definitely more defined. The Beautiful Boy’s Beautiful Boyfriend found himself in a dress which set his eyes off nicely and ensured that he and his boy were the oddest looking couple in the house and caused them to reevaluate their butch and femme roles. This party was a ‘living in the 80s’ kinda set up. There was much vinyl and much bad bad dancing and with J Bo hosting the event you knew before you even got there that you were in for much stupidity and even more hilarity. J Bo and Mad A have this effect on people that they could be in a room with the most boring people in the world (the type that sip expensive wine even though it tastes like turd and talk about stuff that interests only deaf people who have no idea what they are talking about) and still have the funniest time ever and make said boring people have an actual interesting evening. They could make Margaret Thatcher wiggle her floor length arse to Chesney Hawkes and they could even have Tim Big Brother bouncing around in a pair of cycling shorts and tank top to Bros. Everyone loves a J Bo and a Mad A it has to be said. There was no spiking of drinks this time around unless that’s why I threw up 3 times. No, that’ll be because I had at least 4 drinks. And there were no raw onions being force fed to those who know no better but there was a great deal of group conga-ing and running round tables and making up dance routines to songs that require no mentioning. Of course the usual hits of the evening were Tiffany which has been scratched to death and Mr Jason Donovan who brought on about 50 tears to the J Bo who loves him more than she would like to admit. It’s the floppy curtained hair and the yellow boots he was so fond of I’m sure. I clipped around in a pair of fluffy high heeled slippers which were 8 sizes too small before attempting to astound audiences with my wonderful tap dance routines with fluffy slippers on a wooden floor. It had to be seen. No one could remember if the group Kris Kross were 80s or 90s but there was no holding back 4 of us who proceeded to backwards our jeans and ‘get down wit da kids’ while some paraded with belts on heads to the turtle power song which everyone seemed to know the words to and have a favourite turtle from. Another silly night was had by all and I wonder what I have done all my life to have missed out on so much fun because I know I never went to any parties where people cross dressed in childrens’ clothes and did club foot dancing round tables. Or if I did I’m quite sure I would have been laughed out of the house and had stones thrown at me every time I went out in public. I will say that the only thing missing from J Bo’s party, apart from bog roll, was the lack of flashdance. Even Straight Man A’s ears picked up at the mention of flashdance but alas there would be no fanny busting splits or dramatic forward roll interpretations. And so I go think about the next time when I can act like a kid and have so much fun doing so. The ‘twister’ is already set up…

Listening to: The smurf song