I have just returned from a tour of Aberdeen to collect all of my belongings that have been hanging around in various locations for the past 13 years. I don't know why I decided that tonight would be the night that I reclaimed my stuff such as that Muppet Babies video, those tapered worn out combats that I have worn only once when I was fatter and 12 and my first porno that I left soiled at someone's house all those years ago. Along the way I managed to aquire some goodies that were not mine. Call it 'interest' if you like. Most would call it stealing. I wouldn't say I was a cleptomaniac or anything but I do like a souvenir. I came away with a china ornament clearly purchased in 1953, a photo of some handsome brute that I don't know, a broken multi coloured crayon, a piece of stale pie and £12.86. It was a good night. But it could only get better. My last stop was a location where I had been only the evening before so as I gathered up my bags of rotten socks, dodgy photographs and mini discs I also managed to slip in a paper lamp which previously lit up the living room, a couple of sequined cushions which will go fabulously with my duvet, a potted plant and a glass with a cat print. Oh and a mobile from the bathroom which I've had my eye on for awhile. I never get invited back anywhere twice. I never wonder why. I will be gutted not to watch the digital TV in this particular house or to drink from badly washed cups but that's the price you gotta pay for helping yourself to other people's things. I'd gladly return all items if asked but no one seems to notice the things that go missing, despite the trail of soil I left all the way to car after I made a run for it with the half dead plant. And alas my time here is done, and I go to snuggle up to my new cushions and stroke my plant til I fall asleep under the light of my new 5ft lamp. Goodnight readers, dream only of cheese and pilfery.
Listening to: Dirty dancing soundtrack for the milionth time today. I can do the lift really I can.
Oh and I have a new telephone, a sexy one that does some sexy things so for all yous that do not have the new number yet it is 07729 489 781 sorry about the lack of sending it personally to those who want it (if you exist) but as per usual my credit is limited. Text me, you'll feel better.