It's day number 4 of my holidays and I'm at work. Having 2 jobs and only being on holiday from 1 is kinda a pain in the fat ass but my kind boss from job numero deux has said I can have all next week off instead so at least that's one full week of doing zip. I have travelled far and wide in the past 3 days, to the likes of Stonehaven and the Duthie Park. For all those unfamiliar with these places, Stonehaven is a town a few miles out of Aberdeen whose main attractions are a fish and chip shop and an outdoor pool. Hardly national tourist attractions as I'm sure you'll agree. While the Duthie Park hosted such names as the Sugababes and Gareth Gates only 1 month ago, regularly it's a regular park where regular poofs cottage their asses amongst the cacti and sandstone. Clearly I lied when I said I had travelled far and wide. While all this might seem as interesting as steak and kidney pie, I've actually had a great deal of fun and having a severly limited budget of zero dinero I think myself and Lil Red have done surprisingly well. Not only have I managed to acquire even more tacky bracelets to add to the 43 already housed up my wrist and forearms but these big calves have done more walking in the past 3 days than they have in a lifetime and the pulsating muscle at the back of my legs evidences this. Really. Yesterday was supposed to be another day of 'day tripping' and despite having arisen at 9.30am with all kinds of good intentions it was 3.30pm before we actually managed to leave the flat, having farted around like a bad case of wind for too many hours. The plan was to find a particular park that is real pretty and quiet and drink wine and get drunk. The only problem was, the park I had in mind was somewhere in Cults and I hadn't actually been to it since I played 'spin the bottle' solely when I was 12. The memories of this game are painful. It wasn't that I was sat there in the park on my ownsome, I mean there were other people there. The only problem was that when the bottle landed at me people would desperately kick the bottle and re spin it around in order to avoid kissing even my cheek. Tantrums were thrown when it looked like the acne ridden youths would have to kiss me and people would abruptly leave the game, gutted cos they didn't get to kiss Wendy, the girl everyone wanted to kiss, me included. I don't know what was so offensive about me. Was it the large fringe that had taken over my face and neck and allowed only my huge gob to be visible? Maybe it was the green C&A anorak I was so fond of? Or possibly it was the face chubbier than an elephant's ass that scared people who didn't know which part of my expansive face to kiss cause there was so much choice. Or, now that I think about it, maybe it was because I myself used the knock the bottle so it would point at the pretty girls so I didn't have to go within spitting distance of the boys. This wouldn't have caused such a big problem had I not tried to slip the girls a digit as I dived in to kiss the wrong set of lips everytime. Maybe that's
why I was battered so frequently. Maybe that's why I thought lesbos were destined to live a life of bruised solitude because I didn't understand that not all girls were thinking about games to play with beaver and didn't appreciate the over eager tongue of The Fee prodding their lips. Aaaah the memories of my younger developing queer days do make me smile. And so after many failed attempts to get to the park and after a panic attack on the railway line because I felt trapped, we finally made it to the park. It was kinda pretty, kinda how I remembered it but a little on the quiet side for my paranoid self. This fear was curbed once the cheap wine made an appearance however. 2 bottles of cheap shit wine and 2 outdoor pisses later (goddamn me for never missing my jeans) we were drunk enough to want to go shake our gay asses at The Priory. We stocked up on evil food delights (pot noodles and mirco noodels and pringles and cheese slices) and jumbo alcopops to get us further in the mood. We got all excited, ran home boiled up the kettle, unscrewed our lids and the next thing we knew it was morning. With all the walking, all the excitment and all the wine that made me fart like it was going out of fashion, we had exhausted ourselves and so the opportunity to go do our thang in the straight club was missed but I know I feel better today than I would have had I had even a couple of more drinks, despite looking like the last time I slept was in 1986 with stupid wavy hair to boot. So, it was a real pleasant surprise to arrive to work this morning to a croissant and tea and to find that the boss would be out til 12.30pm as it has given me ample time to attend to my weblog that has been so neglected over the past 4 days. I'm sure you are equally excited about my return. No, really... I will leave you for now but there's so much more I feel like talking about so it's likely I will be back before the day is out.
Hearing from people you haven't heard from in awhile
Calling Turkey on someone else's fone bill
Sleep, plenty of it
Getting up before 9.30am, it's all wrong
Bastards on holiday
Fixing dud tents
Indigestion along with chronic wind, not a good combination
Lumps in odd places
Listening to: My ass playing bass to 'oops I didn it again'