I have just painted my nails badly, eaten boiled eggs and am now waiting to go to work in about 2 hours. Compared to this time last week, I am having a really shit day. I can estimate that at this time last week I would have been holding on tight to Lil Red as we were released from a metal platform and flung forward down a big water slide in a rubber boat. Yup, I was at Landmark. It was a beautiful day and I was being a big kid, shock. Landmark was the highlight of my 3/4 day trip away. It’s like an adventure kinda park, so much cooler than an amusement park, with no pumping cheesey dance music and no ned kids running around smoking cheap fags and swearing at everyone. Our guest house (which did THE finest breakfast) was situated across the road from this wonderful place so it was a case of, eat food, shower, step across the street and we were there very early and in the mood for pure unadulterated fun. Our first stop was the infamous water slides. Once we had climbed the far too many stairs to get to the top, after many fag and water breaks, we were there and in the thicket of so many kids that there was no way we were turning back. For someone that doesn’t appreciate heights a great deal I impressed myself greatly by even getting up the stairs. We went all 3 water slides in tandem because the more weight in the boat, the faster you go. And boy did we go fast. At one point we left the slide and had images of ‘death to the dollops’ as we went careering into the wall at the end of the run. Boy did we get a cheer for that one as the skinny little workers had to come and lend us about 50 hands just to get our asses out of the boat. It was around this point that the word ‘dollop’ came into frequent circulation. A dollop is a ‘semisolid lump’ and just has the best ring to it and describes me so aptly. An example of how this word may have been used in conjunction with our activities in Landmark is as follows: “Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the water slides will be closed for the next hour due to 2 dollops being stuck in the water flume.” Or, “Would the 2 dollops please evacuate the children’s playground as they are rocking the entire play area each time they climb a rope or take a step forward.” At one point we did think we were stuck in the enclosed water flume. It went so slowly that we could have sworn we had stopped. In the length of time it took for us to reach the bottom of the slide I managed to french plait my hair, teach myself self-oral and learned how to play the flute through my every orifice. It was lengthy. We had images of us finally sailing out the other end, 4 hours later, to much applause as we made a heavy landing and soaked the whole park in the process. It seemed as though we were the only ‘adults’ there without kids but this did not stop us having more fun than the all the kids in the place put together. Spotting at least 5 slides in the ‘dry’ adventure park there was no way I was gonna go all “I better not go in incase I make an ass of my self” routine. Of course I was gonna make an ass of myself as I shoved my arse into small tubey shoots and heaved my body up climbing nets but hey, I didn’t know anyone here and I came here to have as much fun as humanely possible. And so I did. I went head first down slides and felt the metal against my flabby gut as my t shirt rode up, I got my massive feet trapped in holes while kids pointed at me and I fell in a heap on the mud after some kid barged past me as I tried to run for a swing. Despite all this, I remained laughing cos what’s the point in having fun if you can’t make a fanny out of yourself? It’s what I do best and while the bruises still remain a week on, my injured pride has made a full recovery and is seeking out new and sillier ways to look like a twat. It shouldn’t be hard.