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I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else My Profile
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Tomorrow is Friday 13th. I think I should stay in bed all day to avoid a certain death by something falling and crushing me to death because once I did walk under a ladder. I'm not particularly superstitious but I am particularly clumsy so I imagine my mind and body which aren't always in syncronisation, will use a superstitious days as an excuse to make me knock things firmly attached to walls flying as well as making sure I catch my slippers on every stair and every piece of carpet and thus injuring myself badly. I can't even eat without injuring myself or causing damage. I burn my mouth with everything I eat, even ice and I spill every drop of everything forcing my mother to insist I don a 'catch all' bib. This is fine for the house but in restaurants...?? With the amount I spill I really do deserve to be much thinner. The other day I ruined my new sheets and duvet by spilling an entire bottle of nail polish remover over them, by accident, and then as I tried to clean up, the nail varnish got spilled too, despite the fact that the top was on tighter than a virgin's puss. I don;t know what I do to cause people to run a mile as soon as they see me walking towards them with more than 1 item in my hand but they know as well as I do that what ever I am carrying is gonna end up squished, bruised and battered on the floor. Another reason why I am not trusted with kids. Fair enough. At work I'm not allowed to assemble idoit proof shelves because of the time I smashed an end off my boss's head which has left her with recurring nightmares and she can;t even look me in the eye no more as when she fell over she was left in a crumpled heap in a most undignified mess with her beige cheapy pants on display. It wasnt pretty. I'm not premitted in glass and china departments of stores either because I only need to turn round and I cause a whirlwind and be expected to pay for all the damage I've caused. I mean, you all know the saying "Bull in a China shop", it's only too appropriate and I don;t just mean because of the clumsy aspect. Glass and breakables make me nervous. It's no wonder that when dressed up as Harry the Bloody Haddock in the fish restaurant that I dropped 5 bowls of soup and accompanying bread rolls over one customer on Christmas Day. You try holding a tray with big furry fins as hands.
I really can't help it my silly ways. I'm just accident prone. And my large feet are easy to trip over. There's nothing I can do but accept it and avoid carrying anything that may smash or spill and avoid a career in the catering industry. Will let you know if anything untoward occurs tomorrow but surely if I stay in bed all day under my nail varnish polluted bed covers then I will be ok? I guess I could break the bed with all that bull weight I carry around. Nope, that one's already been done. No way should a girl of my physical stature have been doing the Flamenco in the style of Michael Jackson on my bed with Spice Girl trainers on. Or belly flopping for that matter. Oh well, away I go to bandage up my hands to stop myself from touching anything or anyone. No lesbo porn for me tonight then. Unless I'm a masochist that is... Britney Wannabe 
9/12/2002 01:30:00 PM
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Adventures of Charmin |
