Yesterday I thought it would be fun to perform back bends on a wooden floor, with no shoes on and with absolutely no alcohol in my system. It wasn't one of my better ideas. When I say 'back bend' I mean that I stood upright and bent over backwards with the result that I landed on my hands in a bridge shape. I haven't done that since I was 11 and it was before I added all these extra stones so the fact I managed to do it quite impressed me. I got a bit full of myself however and from this position I thought it a good idea to kick my leg in the air. Having only socks on (orange) on a newly varnished floor ensured I would not hold that position and instead would smash straight onto my back. It was rather painful not to mention pretty stupid but I thought I would try and get some of the accidents out of the way before today. Happy Friday 13th y'all. I wasn't content with the back bruises and bashed head and of course injured pride as this spectacle had been witnessed by one, mortified Lil Red who could do nothing but jeer and sneer and wonder what she'd gotten here. No, that wasn't enough. The sugar I had just put into my body had made me giddy and more stupid than usual. That's what happens when you try and give up sugar and then find yourself all of a sudden having a huge sugar rush from ne single mint. It's quite divine. Although not for the bystanders. And so I thought yesterday would be the day I lunged myself into the splits for the first time since I astounded people with my 'athletic' ways at my kids party. I was tanked up then so the pain was minimised. I went for it nevertheless and had to watch the remainder of our rented movie from an excruciating forward splits position. It made the movie more enjoyable I tell you. It also made me incapable of eating 4 bags of popcorn, 3 bags of kettle chips and a 2 litre bottle of full fat coke as I couldn;t get up to go fetch my goodies and there was no way Lil Red was going to oblige as so embarrassed was she of my amateur gymnastics that she put on her pointy shoes and went to the dancing, leaving me pained and looking like a fanny till she came home and tried to hoist me off the floor with help from her 'heavies'. It wasn't pretty. The scene was about as pretty as a gay man's orgy with slabs of sausage flying everywhere. That's another story. Anyway, I just wanted to share my stories of the unfortunate things I get up to. One day I'll fathom out why I feel the need to bend my body into shapes it should never go into but until then I will keep it, till all available muscles are pulled. It's not causing anyone any harm. As long as I stay away from the lycra that is.