I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else
I forgot to tell you that my quest for Jordan porn was fulfilled a few days ago. I succumbed to the Queen's demands and ordered it from Jordan's 'official' website, paying way too much for a signed copy that was no doubt signed by the cleaner in the office. It arrived 6 days after the Queen's actual birthday so she had almost given up hope that I would buy it for her. The Queen didn't know I had actually got it for her despite her pleadings she'd been handing out for over 2 months. It was nice to be woken up by plastic bouncing tits on Monday morning as it was shoved a bit violently through the letterbox by a flustered postman. I slapped it on the table of classy establishment 'CHI' on Thursday night. She was so grateful I think she even said thank you twice. That's twice more than I've heard her say in the years I have known her. (Am kinda kidding, lady). She was quite impressed with the marker pen scroll which read 'All my love, wet dreams and dribbles, jordan". Pretty foul I'm sure most of you will agree but that was nothing compared with the contents of Jordan's normally minimal clothing which was now regrettably removed. That woman is fake all over. Fake tits, fake tan, fake lips and even fake hair. I don;t know if the tattoo on her fanny in the shape of a heart was a stick on but I hope for the sake of Gareth Gates or her next young boy that it was because it was grotesque and tacky but I suppose that sums up Jordan completely. As if it wasn't bad enough that we have to look at her 54ffff tits on every second page in every shit tabloid, here we were treated to her bush. Or rather lack of it. I really will sleep so well, safe in the knowledge that Jordan has a shmuff (shaven muff) which emphasised her one lip bigger than the other problem.
The other 2 Playboy girls were more 'beckham' style and equally as offensive. Especially the girl who was lucky enough to get a fold out page all to herself. The rest of the mag was quite entertaining and more FHM than Readers Wives and not a split beaver in sight. So nothing to put you off your mushy cornflakes. I do love porn but I don't love Jordan and a 'classy' girl like the Queen of Fun should really have better taste than silicon smut but hey, we all have our vices. Hers is just bigger than anyone elses'. Yeah about 46 bra sizes bigger.
I need to look at degrading porn now to earse the image of Jordan's loose lip that's embedded in my mind.
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10/26/2002 10:01:00 AM
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