Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


My 100 Things

Mail Me

Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Thursday, October 24

Shoplifters never fail to astound me with their stupid ways. Just when I think I'm getting used to the idoitic things they do and just when after 4 years I'm starting to actually apprehend them all on my own they go ahead and do something even more unsual than the last one. I really despise thieves. I don't mind the ones that come in so twatted that they think they are in Asda as there's no way they can even lift a book never mind slip it down their stonewashed jeans. These are also the ones that are incapable of hurling obscenities at you as in the state they are in, their voacbularly is limited to "oooarg, burghtghs, zyutgvbas". The worst they can do is offer you the 2 fingered salute and it's usually done with at least 4 fingers and offends not even the old dear stocking up on her cheap spit through cards.

I hate the ones who are kinda compesmentous (sp??) as they hang around longer than a lingering fart and wonder why the hell you are shadowing them closer than you would your own girlfriend. These are the types that wear huges labelled gear, with Versace splashed across their sweaters or DYKN grafittied on their jeans as their stolen goods were obvisouly imported from somewhere that specialises in bad spelling and cheap knock offs. This little lot of greasey haired criminals love to tell you they would never dream of stealing from your shop. Not because they can't read and only understand bold brightly coloured pictures (which is also true) but because they can afford to buy the whole shop if they wanted. They then often proceed to take off their reebok classics and then holey socks to reveal a wad of cash bigger than Linford Christies package and we can do nothing but smirk as they scramble to retrieve the small packets of powder that have gone awry from their rotten feet.

I've been called many things by these would be cell mates but it's more fun when they gob all over the floor or come so close to your face that you can smell the stale buckfast and burger they consumed four days ago. Really it is. The females are the worst. They often have a baby in a pram as an accessory and try to stuff things into the buggy and blame the 2 week old baby that looks about 56 years old due to the amount of passive smoking it has done since it was first conceived. We had one broad in the other day asking for a plastic bag. I'm not supposed to give out bags to these people as they then fill them up with all the goods in your store or someone elses or sniff glue on your front step from them. On this occasion I felt sorry for the girl. She was the youngest I'd seen yet and she looked quite pitiful so I relented and gave her a bag. And because she stood there dripping her loose dog food all over the floor and I knew it would be me that would be given the job of cleaning it up. I watched her put the soggy dog food in the bag and was quite impressed that she was thinking of her dog when she could barely afford to clothe herself and saw the pint of milk and realised it probably wasn't even for the dog she didn't have. She got chatting to me, told me about how she was only 14 and had been on the streets for 3 months and before that she hadn't even touched alcohol. Now apparently she was a full fledged junkie. It felt really bad for her and turned round for one second to fix a heavy book that had fallen on my stupid head and when I turned back she had legged it out the door with her dinner and a small pocket diary from the counter. How rude? Oh very. And a diary? What the hell is she gonna write in a diary? When her next beating is due? When her next baby will find its way into the world so she too can use it as an accomplice to her thieving lifestyle? I was so mad. I'd have given her the bloody diary for fucks sake. Actually no I wouldn't but I would have thought about it.

What is worse than all those incoherant or gobby thieves is the ones you suspect least who are ultimately taking the piss out of you. We rarely catch these ones. It's not till well after they've 'cheerio-ed' us that we notice the gaps on the shleves and by which time we feel like total fools and there is nothing we can do. The amount of stuff these people get away with is unbelievable. I've seen a dozen lavalamps go missing from right beside me and then there was the time when a whole bucket of books just disappeared. I don't know how they do it and I know it's always the ones that are so pleasant to you, make chat about books, value your opinion (on what to steal) and generally go about making you feel like you've helped someone. Well you did. They distracted you so well that they took half the contents of the shop. I do love a bit of gratitude. The funniest time was when Albert, the 78 year old retired teacher was caught shoving a monopoly up his thin patterned jumper. When accosted all he said was "I've been doing this for years and you catch me pilfering a bloody monopoly. I've already got 5 more of yours at home.". We got the monopoly back and never saw Albert again. You gotta watch these old sneaks. They pretend they are just in town to pick up some new pop socks and are just passing by your shop to get some heat when the next thing you know, your whole back wall's been emptied and that's their Christmas pressies for the next decade sorted. And in return all you get is a waft of pish and a cheesey false tooth grin as the sidle out of the door. I love people I really do.

And so it is time for Miss Fee to face the world of 'all you can eat buffets' for only the second time today.

Oh and will the person who stole the £2 vibrator out of its packaging the other day please note that had s/he taken the time to read the instructions on the cast aside packaging, they would have realised there was a health warning on itwhich reads "Please note that this woman's phalic tool is for novelty use only and is not to be used internally as there are loose connections." Happy pleasuring you thievin whore.