Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Thursday, October 31

Text of the day:

Received from Beautiful Boy: "Happy Halloween. There's a monster in my toilet... and it just wont flush."

And you wonder where I get it all from??

Anyway, it's halloween, for the unobservant or for those who could care less. Halloween to me means dark, apples and looking like a fanny. I don't do halloween. It's not simply because i'm scared of the dark - I am to a point, it seems as though over the past couple of years I have developed many 'childhood' fears which had I developed as a small child would probably have eradicated themselves by now but having 'new' fears in your early twenties means they are harder to shift as the mind gets more and more stubborn and insecure. So, yeah I don't like the dark much. I hate sitting with dimmed lights, so you can dress darkness up as 'atmospheric' if you like but don't expect me to sit in a candle lit room and not panic attack.

The apple part of halloween reminds me of being a kid and doing that 'trick or treat' thing which was actually kinda degrading. i was always a 'fat witch' or a 'fat hippy' or something equally stupid and fat and so was always the first to hand over my entire black bin bag gagging for it to be filled (this sentence appears to be going somehwere else...) with goodies after telling a shit punchline-less joke. Most people would offer a small sandwich style bag out to the sad losers who listened to out sad tales to be handed a bloody tangerine and a snack sized milky way but I would stand there and wait till the whole bag of mini treats was emptied into my extra large carrier bag. Greedy? Don't you know it? I still would if I were allowed to trick or treat my way into unknown people's houses. I may also steal things.

I used to go round the doors with my friends who prefered the money you got and none of the neighbours ever liked our stupid songs or got our pathetic jokes but they'd pay you anyway just to get rid of the sooty children who had congregated on their doorstep like stubborn shit. Either that or they didn't answer the door. Or if they were really clever, they would invite you in to their homes and forget to tell you they had a glass door and laugh as the chubby kid walked into it or they would let Rover sniff up your bin bag skirt before escorting you to the door sweeping up the mess behind you. And all for 10p and a bad apple. Then it would be back to the popular girl's house for a party and of course to dish out the money and treats. No one had much of a chance with the treats once this green faced porker got her dollop hands in the way however. And then came the apples. It's actually kinda gross not to mention cruel, having someone shove your face in a bowl of gunk, water and apples and hold you there till you retrieved one and came up desperate for air with all that slivers dribbling down your chin only for the next person to swallow mouthfuls of everyone elses' saliva. I always made sure I went first and left many gobs on the way. I'm sure I was always left under for longer than anyone else.

Then of course came the 'donuts on a string' game which I never really got the point of when you could just stand on a chair and pick them off with your hands and stuff them in your gob 6 at a time. It may not seem like it but I really did enjoy halloween and have the tubby pictures to proof it. I was always caught on camera with sweets and chocolate crammed in my face. Mind you it was near to impossible to find a time when i i didn't fit this pose. Halloween to me was all bout looking like the fat shit I was/am.

Oh and as for the part about looking like a fanny. I don't mean people go around looking like real schmuffs or hairy gashes, I just mean that the costumes inspire me to pull no one. Who wants to see a hot girl dressed as warty witch? I could be pulling anything if I were to pull someone n a scream mask. Maybe Halloween is the only chance I have of pulling a hottie because no one can see this face. Of course if, like the J Bo suggested, they were to dress as a pussy, all would be good. Hot girls in lycra? I'm seeing another side to this ol Halloween malarky and I kinda like it.

Fatness and twatness aside, we are having a halloween party on Saturday night. We are having it on saturday mainly because everything will be on sale by then so my dead fairy outfit (any excuse to buy wings, despite the fact they are so1999) will cost hopefully less than 4 beers. Of course there are plans to decorate the house into some spectacular haunted house but if I know everyone, all we will get is the customary strobe light and maybe a spider of 2 thrown in somewhere for all good measure. That's all good for me. We thought about going out guising and seeing what money and silverware we could get ahold of but reckon we would get battered like fresh fish as soon as we step out the door. We even considered putting The Queen and Gypsy Frills Anon on their knees and passing them off as broad children but then we realised that 1) they would fool no one under those floaty wide capes and 2) they don't even need to be on their knees to be passed off as small children. So, on the whole I am very excited bout Saturday night and I even hope not to pass out before 11pm and enjoy the entire party without a ragey thought or fit in sight. Well we can all dream and a party wouldn't be a party without a Fee fit. It would be a good party though. And a very momentous occasion.

And so dear readers I go plan where to slit my bin bag and where to buy a mask that looks more hideous than my usual face. It's going to be a long day.

Tonight I want to go into town and see Hitler goes femme