I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else
Last night I dreamt that I was kissing my ‘nurse’ on a water slide while Straight Man A held my other hand. What the hell can that mean?
That dream had me waking up in a sweat and it got me remembering. I partook in a great game of Doctors and Nurses from the ages of about 8-11. It was a torrid affair but it’s fair to say that those were the best years of my life. The game was always the same, there were no boundaries and no limitations of the areas you could prod and with what you could prod them. It involved the ‘doctor’ investigating the ‘nurse, in anyway you wanted. There was always a fight to see who could be the ‘doctor’. What does that say? We preferred to put fingers in someone else’s every crevice than have fingers put in our own crevices. Hmmmm. At the time the girl was my best friend. I don’t even know she liked me that much but I spent a lot of time with her and couldn’t wait for the next time when she’d drop her patterned pants so I could have a good rummage. I don’t know how long each game lasted, probably when the ‘nurse’ could stand the careless, invading fingers no more or when we heard the annoyingly sweet voice of her mother singing her way up the stairs. Her mum was never far away and one time we were so engrossed with someone’s innards that we did not hear her. She opened the door as something inanimate was being inserted somewhere it would never have fitted but I think the only reprisal we got was ‘pull your pants up, you’ll catch a cold’. I was devastated when the games had to end and she had to go to another school. I don’t think the getting caught incident and her being sent away to a school where they wear heavy stupid kilts were related. I never saw her once she moved and I never got my answer as to what the ‘hangy’ bit was. Well not her ‘hangy’ bit anyway. Always in the back of my mind I was sure she would come out as a lesbo. She was my first thought when I started thinking about joining the pink crew myself. I wanted to call her up and say ‘Hey nurse, remember me? Are you gay now too?’ I couldn’t imagine she would be anything but a bender because she was always so keen to unwrap the parcel and open the box so I was kinda shocked after Miss Delusional Fee was told she was as good as engaged. I suppose feelings are all over the place when you are young. Maybe she would have shuffled her hands around anyone’s intimate gunge, maybe it was only because I was there. Maybe feelings you have when you are young have little reflection on your future feelings? That’s far from true for me. Like so many homos, once the revelation that I would be a beaver girl came about, I could trace back all the women I adored since about age 4. I know for a fact I loved my Primary 1 teacher. I was the only one not to go to her wedding because I was so distraught and that was aged 4! Taking a stand for the woman I loved after only 4 years of life! Now that’s impressive. And who could forget the manipulative girl who yelled at me every day, laughed at me, and generally made me so unhappy I cried all the time? I hated her so much but I loved her even more and couldn’t stay away from her. For so long I fancied this girl and even now when I see her which is maybe about once every 2 years, I still get a weird sensation. And the fact that she looks like 4 hundred pounds of shit now makes the years of torment (oh I love a dramatisation) seem funny and almost worthwhile.
Anyway, young love aside, I’m getting lost in the memories and digressing. Back to sneaky feelys. I wonder if I‘d had boys in my life whether I would have been tugging around in their pants? I hear lots of girls say they ‘did things’ with girls when they were young but are all for the opposite sex now. Imagine if all the girls who were so interested in the velvet turned out gay? I think the world would be over run with lesbos. Can that ever be a good thing? Too much of a good thing can never be good surely?
I can’t imagine that anyone will want to share their intimacy with others (boys or girls) when they were young but if you do, feel free to do so. I’m very interested to know if you made connections with these experiences, whatever they may be, with your current sexuality. And yeah, I’m a helpless nosey bastard because I know these ‘games’ go on so someone must be brave enough to share the awkwardness of these experiences with The Fee so she knows she is not alone in this ‘hobby’ which has progressed to a life style.
Listening to: Space Cowboy - I would die for you
11/28/2002 02:03:00 PM
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