I think that I am going to have to seek planning permission for my nostrils. I have noticed that my nasal holes are unfeasilbly large and take up to much room in this world. Now I know many people have orifices that they would class as big enough to stuff teddy bears in, like Beautiful Boy who can store enough small change in his belly button to feed the entire homeless population of Aberdeen, and of course all them slack Alices who can house 2 cups of tea and a scone in their fanny but at least these holes can be as vast as the Sahara without anyone noticing until they get naked. With nostrils however, they are on blatent show for everyone to see. It’s a bit like looking up someone’s ass, no one really needs to see that far up my nose and you can even be standing in the shop next door and still get sucked into the empty abyss that is my nasal cavaties. Nostrils are just like fannies, the more you stick in them, the wider they get so I guess I only have myself to blame for all the years of nose picking which has seen me stretch my nostrils from ‘barely get a nail in’ to ‘jesus, a whole fist’. You may be wondering if I am using nostrils as a metaphor for fanny but no, really, I am talking about the hairy holes on you face. I don’t suppose that really cleared anything up but hey. I’ve never been a stranger to inserting inanimate objects up my nose but the best time was when I got some sort of stopper wedged right inside, so far up it was almost popping out of my eye, and I had to be held upside down and shaken like I was the last penny in a jar that had become stuck. I don’t think I have been right since that day. I’m sure it shook my brain further backwards than it should be. I blame my nostrils, or my inability to keep my fingers out of them, for my lack of brain. You look at my face and all you see is 2 waterless swimming pools but thankfully without the stubborn turds that hang round unwantedly. I always knew they were pretty fucking massive but I didn’t realise that they could house a refugee family of 15. Maybe I could claim benefits for them. I don’t even suppose there is anyway of shrinking them either which is a shame. I wonder how I would look with tight little nostrils? Maybe my face wouldn’t be the same without these ‘always room for more’ gaps and I just pray that my nostril hair never grows out of control and doubles as a moustache. Oh please let my nostrils shrink in the night. I can’t bear to keep the entire stock of Dunkin Donuts up here anymore. The sugar tickles my nose and all that sneezing can’t be good for the dough.
That’s enough. I must go and not think about nostrils and think about non illicit passions because that’s far more interesting that nostrils wider than Oprah’s arse.
Anyone else like my new favourite pseudo dykes