The other day I got asked for ID when buying paracetamol. The crazed, clearly blind, old bird asks me and I'm looking around, thinking the poor dear may have a gammy eye and is actually talking to the other old bird behind me and I'm like, 'ME???' at the top of my never-very-quiet-anyway voice and she's all like 'Sorry if that offends you dear but you have to be careful these days cos paracetamols are all the rage with school kids.' Let's look at that statement. 'Offended'? Hello? I'm 24 and I look almost a decade younger according to Madam Deluded with the crinkled skin, how could I possibly be offended? Perhaps a little stunned that I am thought to be a minor, not legal for sex or cigs, considering the enormity of the bags under these eyes that could hold my family's weekly shopping. And that's bags that could only be this well defined after years of chronic fatigue, alchohol and women-stress. I wondered if my thrown together outfit of mis-matchedness could be considered a school uniform to the untrained eye. Unless there is a school for the Fiends of Fashion then I think not. Next. 'Paracetamols are all the rage with school kids'. Eh? So when I went to school it was all My Little Pony and lighter fule and these days it's Yo-Yos thats kill and paracetamols. Maybe it's because the fat school nurse who yells 'period pains' louder than an unwelcome fart in an exam, prescribes half a parcetamol per headache. Maybe kids have to stock up on their own for fear of being forced to ride the wave of half a friggin paracetamol whilst doubled up with the pain of abdominal cramps. So there went my plans of overdosing. All because I was deemed to young to even cure a headache. It was kinda like the time I thought The Bitch knew I fancied her (a very traumatic experience for a 13 year old bender who doesn't quite understand) and I thought she would tell the school I was perv so I necked about 23 paracetamols (thinking I was well smart), went to a school gig, got the 'drugs' confiscated by The Bitch and her friend and went home in a daze, had the deepest sleep I have ever had in my life, got up, threw up for two days solid and was no more dead than the next time I gave it a go. I can't remember what the catalyst was the next time, probably my dancing teacher told me to stop staring at her fine ass or maybe my mum hid the chocolate spread, but I was determined that life was no good and that I must end it all. And so I found some rope and upturned a bucket (I'd seen it on films so many times) and wrote out my notes, at least 20 of them, in most of which I confessed my undying gay love for just about everyone, and cried and threw stuff around for about 20 minutes, probably trying to prolong what I thought was the inevitable. I was all ready to go for it when I wished I had paid more [any] attention at Brownies instead of chasing the girls with a broom, because I had no clue how to tie a friggin noose. I didn't die because I couldn't tie a noose. That's pretty tragic. After all the farting around with the rope and about 16 friction burns later I lost my will to die which I guess is good. I think the title of my autobiography would be 'How not to kill yourself in 47 simple leasons'. I could make a killing...
And so I go to admire my new 7 (yes you read it right) brand spanking new sweatbands, bringing my current total to about 45. Have now taken to wearing about 5 at once just so they can all get a viewing. So sad. So true.
My new pink leather fingerless gloves from The Gentleman
Uni being over for good - tomorrow
The return of Big Brother - tomorrrow
Eurovision Song contest party - saturday
My GI Jane ensemble. Dyke.
The random nerd munching on a cereal bar but she's hot so we'll forgive her
The twatt in the hair scrunchie on the bus but she was hot so we'll almost forgive her
The hairy armpitted geek across from me with more nasal hair than i have pubes and she is not hot and we will most definitly not forgive her
Faaaaaaaaaaaar too many geeks in sweatbands who suit them as well as I may suit a crew cut. No comments please.
Gelled hair - has this ever been cool? Didn't think so. Stop it.