Oh my god. I was on a roller coaster the other day. I haven’t been on one since I developed a fear of them years ago. I used to be quite happy to swing on the chair planes and whoosh through the walzters (sorry but in Aberdeen that’s pretty much our options) but then something happened and I have been fully scared of them since. The something that happened was being forced to go one The Pepsi Max Drop in London when I was so hungover I could have been dead and I’d been up all night (we were too minky to check into a hotel so decided to dance all night instead) so was seriously lacking in sleep. My god it was traumatising. I think I had nightmares for months afterwards. But the voices stopped when we hit the bottom. So yeah, Monday I decided to quash my fear. It was a beautiful day. I’d been soaked on the pathetic log flume and figured I could handle it. It wasn’t a full upside down job but more of a family ride so yeah, it probably wasn’t that fast. I couldn’t even fit my wide hips comfortably into the tiny seats so yeah, I guess more of a kids ride. I think the most enjoyable part was when the safety bar was forced between my legs. Although the next time I decide to go on a roller coaster I should not wear a skirt with vastly holey trousers underneath. Not a good look to have your skirt hitched all the way up past your chuff to reveal your holey crotch area… But Fee-Fee did indeed get her thrills. Anyway, as soon as I got on I knew it was a bad idea. I wanted off but then it started to ascend a hill and I was stuck. Jesus. You should have seen my face when it went round the ‘fast’ bits. My face, clearly visible to the people on the ground (including a Lil Red) was so vilely contorted it could have been mistaken for meat through a mincer. I swear I looked like I was having a turd. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. They were screwed up into tiny little screwy balls and I know for a fact I had a bonny doubler on because I could feel my chin rubbing against my T Shirt. It lasted as long as a wank. I was awarded with beer and cigarettes. I must do it again soon if only for the reward. One fear down, 4,367,000 to go. Life is great.