Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Sunday, December 7

I was reminded of New York the other day when I stood in a monstrous dog turd which was so huge it almost crept inside my mule. It made me remember how refreshing it was to step outside in New York and not have to slalom round stale and fresh jobbies of both the animal and human variety. I think in the time I was there the only dog shit I spotted in Manhattan was when the poop was on it’s way out of dogs’ arses. Everyone was so diligent in picking up the turd that before the creamy delights even hit the street it was swooped up quicker than I could say, ‘oaty’. On one occasion I even saw a woman place a plastic bag down and watched in awe as the dutiful dog squatted over Bloomingdale’s and did a massive curly turd right on cue and right on the second ‘o’. I imagine if NY wasn’t so strict with dog fouling laws the stench of the city would be pretty unbearable. You couldn’t even fart in the street without suffocating all pedestrians within a 4-block radius because it was so hot and stuffy so I guess if there were loads of steaming jobbies around the place would be full of disease.

I also noticed that I was the only person staring at the glamour girls and the rich bitches and the fashion fags as they delicately yet efficiently would bend, grab and tie in one swift movement. It didn’t matter that Flower the elegant French Poodle had just done a massive steaming dump on the middle of Fifth Avenue; mummy was on hand (or two hands) to ensure that the evidence was removed hastily and without shame. Not one person took the slightest bit of interest and no one pointed and shouted, ‘Gadz, she’s picking up poo. Don’t go near her.’

Here in ‘I’m too cool for dog poo’ Aberdeen, the stigma attached to cleaning up after your dog is pathetic. People walk their dogs up the main street and as the dog goes into poop position the owner tries to haul the dog up which never results in the dog refraining from doing its business but instead results in the dog being dragged forward and pooing all the way leaving a shit trail from one end of town to the other. The owner then either whacks the dog for taking such a public dump or turns his/her head to face the opposite direction and assumes that if he/she pretends to ignore the pedigree chum oozing out if his/her animal then so will everyone else. The pair then walk on. The streak of turd then lies there till someone (often me) comes along and takes it home with them and smears it into the lightly coloured carpet and anywhere else it feels like attaching itself to.

Ok so picking up dog poop doesn’t feel great, the warmth and texture and often enormity of dog poos is unfamiliar and not very pleasant but hell as long as your bag doesn’t have holes there should be no reason for not picking up behind your dog. A poo in a bag can also double as an offensive weapon when walking your dog at night time, as well as serving to piss your neighbours right off by filling up their skip with Asda shites. So, for the good of my mules and my new carpet can you people please perfect the manoeuvre that New Yorkers have had to?

Mind you, how can you be expected to eradicate all shit from the streets when the city itself is just so full of shits? I figure the amount of shit on a city’s street reflects the kind of people living in it.

And so I go to try and get that sticky turd out of my shoe with a Burberry cap I found on the street. See what I mean about the streets being filled with shit?

Today’s Likes

My ever-improving moonwalk… yes really
Possibility of a dance tonight
Queer Eye
Ally Hilfiger
Being 24 and being unable to change a quilt
Today’s Dislikes

My bad dye job which has resulted in me looking as though a shite graffiti artist sprayed me yellow
Queer Eye’s Carson’s love of a loafer sans socks. Eh?
Ripping the fanny in my only pair of work trousers. At work.
Victoria Beckham
Long white Nike trainers
The fact that the word ‘ski-pants’ is allowed in the dictionary in 2003.