Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Monday, May 24

This porker pie is in need of some serious weight loss before the weather gets even better. Although being that this is Aberdeen I probably shouldn't be too concerned with being inundated with fabulous weather anytime soon. The few 'hot' days we've had in recent weeks are most unusual and for us and that's probably our summer over.

I have a total problem with the heat. I hate it. I'm as good in the heat as I am with staying awake past nine. As soon as the sun is poking it's puss yellow head out from behind the clouds, instead of joining everyone else in a race to grab teeny tees, ass revealing shorts and those stupid manly sandals, I find myself jumping into bed with the lights down low and remaining there till I hear the patter of rain at my window. The hottest it ever gets here is like 17oC but it's still too much for me. I don't know how the sweaty tits I coped in New York at the tail end of their freak heat wave. If you class feeling nauseous and dizzy continually for ten days I'd say I coped pretty well.

I think sweat is one of my main issues. I don't think I have a sweat problem but I hate the feeling of being hot which in turn leads to sweating and that glorious massively red moon face that goes with it. I'm one of these people that is just always too hot. I thought I was menopausal for a while but as I have been clammier than a chuff in polyester for over a decade now I figure I just function better in the cold.

Anyway, I figured maybe I'd have less heat issues if I shifted some of my chubs as then I would not fear smaller clothes and therefore be less prone to claustrophobic heat attacks. If I didn't have to have every inch of my body enclosed in non heat friendly material for fear of my extra inches being unveiled maybe I'd feel better in the sun. Of course, as always, the thought of doing this poses many problems and throws me into a state of disarray. We all know, with this compulsive overeating behaviour of mine, that I do dieting as well as I do dick. I also realise that I do as much exercise as a sloth so I'm guessing that exercise is key huh? If I can't stay away from the cheese then I really have got to walk that cheddar off. It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that now I live in town I no longer have a daily half hour walk to and from town which previously at least ensured that my wrists stayed narrow.

And so I began my 'bin the bellies' plan on Saturday. However, all I have got out of a weekend of power walking and carrying on is chaffed thighs, a pulled upper arm muscle through practising the lesbo sport of shot putting and really stinking shoes. I must have walked for about 4 hours yesterday (holy crap you should have seen the colour of my face after powering up a slight hill... it was like a bad period) and drank about 8 litres of water but now today my legs are shaking like they're new-born and I am peeing every 6 minutes. Oh and to top it all off, my hair is massive. Not to worry I'm sure by the time summer really kicks in I will either be unrecognisably slim or bedridden for the entire 2 months of the sun's duration. I think I know which is more likely though I'm sure it's not the preferred option.

And so I go gnaw on the mouse mat as that's as close as I'm allowing myself to cheese for at least 4 hours. I also must go and literally iron my unruly locks which were so monstrous the other day that flies found themselves tangled in them long enough to mate. Nice huh? I only noticed when the buzzing in my ear got so loud I thought the gardener was coming at my offensive head bush with his mower. The life of a giant haired lesbo is so all good.

Will the delectable Lindsay Lohan please stand up?