Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Tuesday, September 7

I’m on this new diet. It’s called the Seafood Diet although it differs to the sea food and eat it diet I am so used to. It’s quite easy to master and involves you finding a hotel buffet, selecting the rottenest piece of cold fish and swallowing it down. The more it tastes as you’d imagine boiled shite to taste and the more it leaves an after taste of fried puke in your over eager gob, the better. Wash down with some luke warm water and it should reach your stomach before finding a passage out pretty damn quick. It’s that simple. You’ll find yourself in bed for at least a week, alternating between fevering and freezing and running to the toilet clutching at your backside quicker than you can yell, ‘shart!’ every 4-5 minutes. You’ll be sipping on good fresh water and the infrequent slice of dry toast for the duration of your new diet. You’ll be a stone lighter in 7 days. Guaranteed or you money back.

So that’s my predicament. As of Wednesday night I have been feeling like a mouldy turd and looking not that different to one either. The last 2 days of my holidays were awful. Any hopes of topping up my non existant tan were quashed with that mouthful of leathery cod.

The flight home was a journey from the depths of my stomach. The smell of cooked breakfasts ensured I vomitted much gook on the plane. All I needed was to sleep but my massive gob would fall hideously open and passerbys would launch their unwanted mushrooms into my jaws of death. Either that or the air hostesses (none of whom were hot sadly) would ram their stupid trolleys into my fat overhanging knee, jolting me awake. Again. It was a truly tragic end to my holidays and for the amount of crap I will get from not being back at work I would absolutely rather be there. Mind you, a toss up between severe ring sting and serving customers… now there’s a tough one.

And so I must go nibble on a paracetamol or 6 while trying to keep the pepto down. Damn it tastes so good. Anything would taste good after 4 day old fish bits smothered in Marie Rose sauce as some sort of disguise for the bile nesting beneath it. Yum.

Today’s Likes

The Woman in Beige – V.G Lee. Vaguely amusing
The laptop which is temporarily in my possession
Dubbed Spanish TV. Classic
My nurse ;-)
My lack of appetite. It amazes me
Friends and family who arrive with emergency supplies

Today’s Dislikes

My lips which are dryer than toast
Gary Glitters
Jobbie catchers
Not being able to appreciate the Aberdonian sun. Yes it’s true
Tru Calling being over
Not having Sky for the L Word. Severely doubt it

PS I love Spain. I saw more hot waitresses there than I have seen in my entire life. Everywhere I turned a hot Spanish girl was ready to take my orders. It was almost just too much. Lil Red passed out over one hottie as she muttered hola to her. She slumped back in her chair and her eyeballs rolled back into her head, quite attractive really. She was so almost in there too.