Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Friday, March 25

Dyke on a bike.

Well it looks as if my camera phone is working just fine. We traded our car in for a rather yellow bike last Friday night. How lesbian like. [If you recognise that bike as being yours, sorry, I promise we didn't touch it. Much.]

It's Friday and that can only mean one thing. Yes, another (yes, that will be three in a row) night at the Gay Bar for Fee McFee and her hot Lil Red. But let's not forget about the pre gay bar party that is generally far more fun than the actual gay bar irself. This will be our third week of J Bo partying and that must mean dancing like turds to Pat Benetar, Scooter and Dirty Dancing ("The lift, the lift!!") and of course yelling the same nonsense phrases over and over for no good reason. And having the neighbours banging on the ceiling which of course we wont be able to hear through the sheer volume of music and voices (J Bo makes more noise than 16 very drunken men). It's all very exciting.

The fact that I have been for an exhilirating (ok, sweaty) walk this morning with Triple S, in this fabulous sunshine means I'm all too ready for Polish vodka and imitation red bull. Let's hope my face, which looks like it's menstruating, calms down before then however.

And so I go to top up my tan. Yeah right, how long have I got? And must I take my woolly jumper off?

Today's Likes

Juliette - Avalon.
Homemade hummous. Yes really.
Walking, despite the beacon face.
My new blonder hair, thank you Luscious L.
My girl's hot new hair.

Today's Disikes

Wanting a charity wrist band and not getting one.
Naked bad feet.
Self inflicted wedgies, and that's without a thong.
Chewing gum in armrests. Queen of Fun, please stop it.
Days off without Lil Red.

Britney Wannabe

3/25/2005 01:48:00 PM

Monday, March 21

Well spring has officially come to Aberdeen. We had our first glimpse of sunshine the other day and of course with this sniff of sunlight we are also see an unwelcome return of the cork wedge sandal. Real name espadrille? Who cares, they're a very ugly shoe. So far I have seen about 40 pairs of these bad boys and just when I thought it was safe to look downwards and all. I've never seen such a vile item of footwear than this; a shoe with enough cork to plug well in excess of a million wine bottles, twice over. And that's per shoe. As if the plain wedge heel isn't bad enough without adding cork into the equation. Ladies, just think about it.

At least with this arrival of spring and slight warmth we should be saying adios to the [faux] fur gillette. Bodywarmer with hair? There is just no need. And they are everywhere. More common than nits in a primary school. And far more itchy. Not nice.

Another item of stupid 'fashion' that has been sticking in my eye of late is the the 'shrug'. The shrug is a half cardigan/half nothing thing that kinda wraps around your back and nowhere else. It seems to be the 'new poncho'. Except it's even sillier. And generally more crocheted. Something not even your granny would wear. I just don't get it. It's ugly. Stop it. Stop it now.

And so I go squeeze my monster butt into a pair of tapered jeans to show off my tightly pulled converse. Or perhaps I'll just keep my hot baseball boots safely under the confines of my flares. Please don't let the tapered look come back. No matter how cool your shoes are, it will never be a good look for anyone with legs thicker than paperclips.

Britney Wannabe

3/21/2005 12:50:00 PM

Wednesday, March 9

London was fully rockin'. Not only did I manage to spend more money than I have but I also managed to eat my way through the city, three times over. All the hot new clothes I bought cannot be worn due to yet another added belly and I cannot even don my new shoes (two very hot pairs of trainers) because the lesbo has a limp. Too much shopping, too much dancing and too much stumbling around when wasted has lead to my new gammy-leg status. It's not pretty. However, I think my finest London moment was when, unbeknownst to me, I sat on something resembling a very large and very mushy bean (later revealed to be pizza) and danced around in a very shite gay bar (G.A.Y Bar) with the food growth hanging off my butt like an alien form. Only after two hours of drinking and a tube journey home did anyone from my party notice my cling on. No doubt people from other parties noticed it hours ago. Smart. My new nickname is Bean Bum by the way.

Disappointingly, the only 'celebs' (using the term more loosely than a promiscuous poof's arsehole) we spotted were Brian Dowling and the gay one from Phixx. Brian Dowling was impossible to miss (clearly his intention) with his fat head and exceedingly loud twattish 'I love Me' voice. Andrew from Phixx however seemed to blend in with the crowd although was pretty damn hot. I even thought he was checking out my butt at one point. It wasn't till after I got off the tube and calls of 'Bean Bum' were thrown my way did I realise what he was actually gawking at. Doubt it.

We did go to the lesbo Candy Bar and lasted all of 1 drink because of the sheer cliqueness of the place. And pints were back on tap. We didn't find any bar that was overly satisfying. I found them to be either overrun with screaming queens shoulder dancing to camp crap or they were full of ugly fag hags with bad shoes. Maybe I just wasn't drunk enough.

We went to G.A.Y on Saturday night and danced like lesbos on heat. Apart from losing the will to live after a visit to the toilets and almost losing an eye to the over zealous elbows that were flying my way (for once not my own) we had a totally fabulous time and I really didn't mean to fall asleep in the dodgy mini cab and leave a full patch of drunken drool both in the cab and on Lil Red's shoulder. Every girl should have a lesbo like me in their lives.

All in all, I can just about deal with my slight limp and my extra belly because we had the best time ever. However, no money in this world will make me ever live in London and have to deal with the stress of pub[l]ic transport every single day. The tube is really not good for a person of a nervous (and very irritable) disposition. Especially not when a large, sweaty man is eating a beefy pie in your face.

And so I go inhale the deep heat and satisfy my new belly.

Today's Likes

Our fabulous hotel, across from Harvey Nicks, only good for the food hall though.
My new black and pink sneakers, complete with pink skulls. Hot.
Our matching(ish) hot Storm rings.
Party time coming up on Friday
The giantest pizzas in the world but still, always room for more. Don't ask me how.

Today's Dislikes

Being utterly underdressed for the hotel we stayed in.
The serial smoochers on the tube. Get a room.
People eating anything in as confined a space as an underground carriage.
Sneering lesbos.
Getting dissed in gay bars, at the bar, for not having a schlong.

Britney Wannabe

3/09/2005 05:30:00 PM

Tuesday, March 1

What kind of person does a jobbie in a bus shelter? On the red plastic seat? And then smear it up the glass panels? Some vile half breed with no moral standards that’s who. Who the hell wants to see an anonymous human turd winking at them first thing in the morning? And why would people stand in the bus shelter within spitting distance of a big steaming non-animal shit. You just wouldn’t. But they did. Fully foul.

Anyway, two days till our big gay trip to London, baby. I haven’t been to London since my university placement which was where and when the Fee blog was born. Prior to that 6-week stint I’d been many times, having dated a nurse who stayed in the city (don’t even ask) and later visiting every gay festival going with the Queen of Fun. But this is my first lesbo London trip with my Lil Red and boy we are two pant wettingly excited lesbos. I can’t work out if I’m more excited about having a choice of gay bar to visit or having more than two cool shops to shop in. The word ‘choice’ is definitely key.

On Thursday, I’m hoping to introduce Lil Red to her first lesbo bar, the Candy Bar which if I remember accurately is pretty cool (pool table hidden away and no lager on tap… how unlesbo is that?) but will absolutely be giving the Vespa Lounge a berth wider than a whore’s chuff. Another certainty is that we will be going to G.A.Y on Saturday night but are fully disappointed that not even a minor Z list celebrity will be playing. Even Beverley Knight would have been better than nothing. Or would it?

Obviously I‘d love to revisit my favourite place, Popstarz, so I can regurgitate my Jo Guest story in the actual place that it happened. Clearly however Lil Red and The Beast are wise to this and are having none of it. Doubt it. Have I told you the story about when I got chatted up by Jo Guest in Popstarz???

And so I go practice my bad dance moves in preparation for the mega dancing we have planned for the weekend. Look out lesbos, the Fee will be taking up too much room on the dancefloor and she will be dancing around like a very drunken asshole. Apologies in advance for the loss of any eyes or limbs even as my dancing has been known to be more than frenetic. And no, it’s not pretty. Or cool.

Today’s Likes

Being in London for my birthday on Saturday
Celeb spotting, not something I’m used to in Aberdeen
Plastic bangles, smell so good
Walking with my pod

Today’s Dislikes

Getting my mobile phone cut off for not paying the bill, how rude
Only getting three days in London, just not enough time
Still not enough blog time
Mylo being sold out
Being too ill to party with the J Bo at the weekend, real tears.