Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Friday, May 27

Two fully fabulous things happened today - pay day and broadband.

It's amazing how much shopping a girl can get done in one hour. Did more shopping in 60 minutes than I did in the entire time I was in Glasgow owing to the fact I'd spent all my money on vodka and cheese by the time we hit the shops in Glasgow. The soundtrack to this post is Kelly Osbourne's new album but I also purchased Cut Copy's most recent one (the dudes who fabulously supported Mylo a couple of weeks back). Since the download fever hit The Fee harder than a rubber penis I haven't bought a CD and it's actually kinda nice to listen to an album in its entirity rather than a random shuffle of all the shite I have on my pod (NB it may be shite, but it's MY shite...). Only so many times I can hear Haddaway and She's a Maniac.

We also finally got round to getting what is probably a dodgy copy of the L Word (as long as the quality doesn't impair my viewing of the sex scenes then we have no problem here). It so better be here by the time Series 2 comes around in a couple of weeks. I imagine I'll need to have an L Word marathon in order to get it watched before then. Not exactly a displeasure.

Bring on the ladies, there has been a distinct lack of hot lesbos on TV of late. Or maybe I'm just watching the wrong channels. I did watch Fingersmith and was disappointed initially by the girls until Maud became this hot little minx I'd want to do bad things to in the final epsiode. So much so that I spent way too much on the DVD which is most definitely worn out in about three places.

Anyway, so I go to get my hormones in check before the payday pizza arrives with more fat than is currently weighing down my massive gut. And also to do something about the 'shopping sweats' that I'm still suffering.

Today's Likes

Daughters of Jerusalem - slow but am promised all good things
Still lovin' the charity bands I'm afraid, especiialy PDSA, complete with pawprints
Going for my bi-annual hair cut tomorrow
Pesto, despite it being wind inducing
Finally having an internet connection in my home again... woooooo hooooo

Today's Dislikes

Trying clothes on, wow what sweat
Pus filled spots that look like moon craters once squeezed
My new trousers, skinners
The temperature reaching stupid heights in my office

PS Rebecca Loos, where oh where is your upper lip? Secreted away under your jumbo man nose? Quite possibly.

Britney Wannabe

5/27/2005 06:16:00 PM

Monday, May 23

I’m pretty used to the disapproving ‘you’re a fag hag’ looks that are thrown our way most nights at the local gay bar which are based purely on the fact that I have hair a bit too long. However, getting refused from the Polo Lounge in Glasgow because collectively we have more hair than the cast of Baywatch is just ridiculous.

Four of us looked forward to Glasgow with an excitement I usually reserve for Chesney Hawkes but were so so scandalously refused entry to The Polo Lounge. How shocking. The reason being because the butch dyke bouncer immediately assumed that because not one of us had Alex Park hair, that we were straight. How annoying? More so than an alcohol fart in a hot car. She didn’t even wait for me to open my mouth before telling us that we couldn’t come in because ‘it was regulars only.’ When prodded further she explained that it was too busy so only regular gays were allowed. When asked where else we could go she rattled off a list of straight bars. How helpful. We left, extremely pissed off, before deciding that fuck her, we were going to the Polo Lounge that night. She needed to be know that she had just judged us wrongly. Triple S and I took charge and went back to speak to Diesel Dyke and had to proclaim ‘hello we are all gay’ quite profusely before she decided to finally let us in. I thought the four of us were gonna have to get down and dirty in front of her manly eyes before she’d get let us go shake our lesbo asses in a bar that’s bigger than my living room.

Beefy Butch then proceeded to follow us in to the bar and observe us from the side of the bar. What she expected us to do, I don’t know. Feel up some poofs? Batter a few lesbos? Who knows. And so much for ‘too busy’. There were more staff than patrons, twice over. How rude.

Needless to say, a very bad start ensured that our tudes were maximised but we did get some good gay dancing in, to some fabulous tunes before it really did get sweatier than a clammy ass crack and we couldn’t move on the dancefloor without our bum banging some poppered poof. And after wading through the toilet water and what was probably piss, to find a heavily soiled tampon on the floor of a cubicle, we decided that enough was most definitely enough. Truly and utterly vile. Where do these people come from? I’d really like to know.

Overall, despite the gay bar traumas and the massive hangover vomit than followed on the journey home, we had much fun.

And so I go slick my hair back with a magnitiude of cheap gel and overemphasis my already kind of manly walk to ensure there really will be no doubting my lesbo status in the future. Doubt it.

Britney Wannabe

5/23/2005 01:21:00 PM

Sunday, May 15

Lil Red Manhandled in Burger Brawl Shock!

Lil Red and I were drunkenly minding our own gay business after a fully fabulous night in the gay bar (yes really) when the vodka munchies kicked in. Passing an oddly subdued looking Burger King, we lesbos decided to brave the ultra harsh lighting and sleazy ugly men who hadn't yet pulled and satisfy our hunger for at least a minute with a faux burger. The lines were only one person deep and when the bored assistant looked at the slightly spaced Lil Red and yelled 'Next' we stumbled on forward to receive our dirty burgers. She had barely gotten her order out when a giant turd-like woman came storming in about with her oversized elbows and jumbo cloud hair and wrestled Lil Red out of the way, physically grabbing her and launching her over the counter whilst hollering, 'I'm next! You skipped the queue you [insert expletive of your choice here]!' We waited for the burly assistant to do something about it, like take a hold of her by her over large frizzy hair and pull her over the counter and squeeze her saggy body into the deep fat fryer but he just averted his squinty eyes and pretended he'd seen nothing. Cue an exchange of insults and double chinned dirty looks and we got our 'food' and left, tossing the odd 'clever' remark at ancient, brutish woman as we went. Oh it was ugly. Almost as ugly as the gypsy frill the stupid bitch really shouldn't have been wearing, never mind as vile as the goopy mascara that was caked into her every pore. And all over a 99p bacon double cheese burger which probably has less meat in it than my veggie deluxe. How rude. How rude indeed.

So yeah, let's back track. Up until that point we'd had the most fabulous night. We'd been ID-ed in the straight bars (thank you bouncers, even though clearly you are deluded and clearly poor sighted) and were pretty high on a lack of sleep and vodka so we headed to Gayville. There we met The Oldest Lesbo I Know (my ace lesbo friend with whom I share an office) and 'Special' A who worringly knew every word and action to SClub7. Named and shamed. The club was pretty empty, definitely a selling point (less sweaty people to accidently rub body parts with) and a carryon was had by all.

The only down point apart from the camp 'I will Survive'/'Timewarp' shite that was over played was the appearance of the attitudinal gaylord with whom Special A and I had an altercation (ok I wanted to stuff his scrawny gay ass with explosives and watch the shit be blown out of him) when we went to an Amber Benson signing last year. Remember him? Thought not. Neither did I until he appeared in all his newfound gay glory dancing on his own too closely to us for my liking. Anyway, a few sneers left his screwed up face and that was that, no fisticufs, even if his 16 year old prepubescent arm pit did caress my shoulder on more than one occasion. Truly vile.

And so I go to venture into the actual sunshine which has apparently been here for days. Hmpf. Cue sweat patches, body odour and mega hair. Smart.

Today's Likes

Going to Glasgow next weekend
Meeting people I haven't seen in ages
Having seen MYLO, no doubt will get round to blogging about it in a year
Having my laptop back after over a year
The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey blahblah

Today's Dislikes

Dry lips, as kissable as stubble.
Eating my body weight in cheese over the weekend
Sunday without Lil Red
Split nails
Gaylords with tudes

Britney Wannabe

5/15/2005 01:39:00 PM

Friday, May 6

I have a mega monster hangover today. I do not feel good. I do not smell good either. After a fabulous drunken night out with my work friends (including The Oldest Lesbo I Know)I am forced to sit, at work, and look more vile and feel more grotesque than usual. It's truly awful. How did it slip my mind that I do indeed suffer from unusually severe hangovers? I'm sure I was conscious of that fact until vodak/red bull numero 17 (of course, an exaggeration). Even a sniff of alcohol ensures I'll be rougher than an acned arse the following day so I don't know why I insisted on staying out well past my bedtime and drinking well more than necessary. Hardly a surprise really. I do deserve to look this vomitice.

Have gorged on massive food, hoping that my already choice breath will become even more unbareable for those around me. And with me, they too will suffer. I really am all heart.

Oh want to say thank you to c'lam for pointing out my one line of fame in The Independent newspaper the other day! How special I feel.

And so I go to do absolutely nothing.

Today's Likes

Countless re runs of Ab Fab
Going to see Mylo next week
Drunken nights
Model beahviour - Jay McInernay
Drew Barrymore

Today's Dislikes

Being too immobile this morning to even run a finger thru my twiggy hair
Looking like a total bute
Being too lazy to go to the bathroom, be free pee...
My face being so crusty it feels like I have a beard
My hot breath, you gotta love me