Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

I am a 25 year old butcheyfemme queer with rubbish on my mind and sparkles everywhere else

Name:Miss Fee


My 100 Things

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Currently Reading:

The Outsider - A Camus

Choke - C Palahnuik


Friday, December 31

As it's Hogmany (New Year's Eve to non Scots) I feel it's time to get reflective and look back on 2004 in the only way I know how... and so I smell a list coming on, yes because I'm lazy and cannot be bothered with grammer, spelling and punctuation. Like I normally can I hear you cry when I do not paragraph my overlong rantings.

Anyway, I introduce Miss Fee's likes and dislikes of 2004. I dare you to stay awake for the duration of your read. Please find matchsticks under your armrest to aid you in keeping your eyes open.

My Lil Red, as fabulous as always

My new job that involves a comfy chair and no customers, Fee heaven

Tru Calling, Miss Dushku, I salute you and your utter hotness

The L Word, Dana you rock my socks, Jenny, you do not

Broken Social Scene

The first 5 days of my Ibiza trip

The Queen of Fun's new girl, Triple S

The lesbo storyline in Neighbours, for a minute

Seeing my girl Britney

The lesbo wrestling that occured in our living room and that has left The Gobby One scarred for life, sorry

Finding Neverland, Kate Winslet, yum delicious

Meeting the wonderful Amber Benson and looking like a giant incomparison to her teenyness

Almost physically toppling over Roisin from Scotland's classiest soap, River City as she charged through my shop a bit too characteristically

Partying in Glasgow

The Looking Glass Wars - Frank Beddor
Our trip to Manchester to see Pink and Sugarbabes

Hanging out with my favourite buddies all year long, Queen of Fun, of course Triple S, J Bo, The Beast and Babsy

Our hot Sex and the City poster that hangs proud in our new home

Getting a bit too carried away with an electric drill sometime over the Summer

My 2 year anniversary with Lil Red

Faux Fuscia pink Ugg boots especially when worn with small skirts which clearly mine are not

Lyndsey Lohan

Britney, In the Zone, yeah baby

Being a mega podgy bastard

The return of the mullet, or was that last year's thing that just wont die?

Tru Calling being cancelled, seriously doubt it

Contracting camphylobacter from a piece fo skanky fish and being better acquainted with the toilet than my own girlfriend, nice

Working with at least two of the worst people I have ever met

The loss of my beloved laptop

Having to move out of our luxury flat

Falling on my ass in front of The Ginger Crystal Lady :-)

Hitting the big 2 5

Not getting a job in Edinburgh that I really wanted

Discovering Rhona Bloody Cameron really is the moodiest bitch ever

Mopping up plentiful dog turd in my 2 week dog sitting holiday :-)

Barefeet in the workplace, there really is no need but there was so much of it going on this summer

The end of all good things, Buffy, Sex and the City, Friends, even Dawson's

Losing my Lil Red to bloody Inverness for a month

The death of the straightners...

The bloody poncho, the shrug, the half cardy things... just forget them all, please

Retail at Christmas, I just cannot let it go

Apart from being fully depressed with a shite job, I think this year has been pretty fabulous, even if it was most definitely the year of the hangover for Miss Fee. Bring on 2005, now that the shite working aspect has been removed from my life, this year can only be more fabulous.

And so I go do acual housework in preparation for my mega party tonight. Ok, party for 5 but it's quality not quantity right? We're all undecided and unagreed about what to do post drinks at ours, of course Lil Red and I wanna go to the gay bar but then there's also the street party to think about. Well we all know what thought did.

I hope you all have an excellent time tonight, and think about me watching Deacon Blue in minus degree temperatures. Rock on.

Britney Wannabe

12/31/2004 02:04:00 PM

Monday, December 27

Wow, how offensive and/or ridiculous is my low flying crotch today? Very apparently. I swear my crotch has never had so much attention. I have the skankiest pair of baggies that I cut around in and while I knew they were pretty damn big, I didn't realise until I noticed at least 40 pairs of eyes checking out my fanjita that maybe my fanny needs an uplift. No one was capable of looking me in the eye today, all attention was on my chuff which fair to say really was hanging somewhere between my knees and my calves. Is it really time to ditch the comfiest pair of trousers ever? Maybe I should just stick to wearing them about the house? Or should I wear my droopy-fanny trousers with pride and lap up the unusual attention that area is receieving? Answers on a postcard please to:
Miss Floppy Fud Fee

Having braved the hoards of baragin hunters this morning I made it to HMV in order to buy my new workout video. This is no second rate soap star does star jumps video however, nor is it bloody ugly Geri does Yoga but it is in fact the Ministry of Sound, Pump it Up video featuring hot girls galore. Tne lure of highcut leotards was just too much for this little lesbo. It's all done by the chicks from the Call on Me video so I'm well looking forward to doning my wedgie enducing pants and velour headband to aid me in my fanny lunges and seductive faux bicycle riding. I do hope no one ever witnesses this. And I do hope I look as good in leg warmers and fanny floss as they do.

Britney Wannabe

12/27/2004 01:54:00 PM

Saturday, December 25

It's all fun and games until someone loses control of their bladder on the kitchen floor, twice. It wasn't me who soiled my panty liner however but my fabulous, rather elderly dog who just couldn't cope with the presense of dog numero three. It made for a very entertaining Christmas, having to follow my pup around with a nappy in hand should we not be able to usher him out the back door in time for him to make yellow snow.

At least we got a white/jaundiced Christmas this year. It's so pretty to look at through your two-day hangover eyes after having been rolled out of bed by an industrial crane at 10 in the morning. I hate being hungover on Christmas day so instead of drinks on Christmas Eve I figured I'd get it over with on Thursday. With £1.50 Smirnoff Ices and two baby bells in my man sized gut, I knew I was asking for trouble going drinking straight from work. After a fully fabulous evening night I was safetly packed off to bed by 10.30 with the remnants of sprial fries in my nasal cavaties for no good reason. It wasn't until I was roused from my coma at 3am by a huge pile of vomit creeping upwards that I knew I was in for a mega spew fest. I then proceeded to vomit nothing in particular every hour and you can imagine that when I was due to get up for work that I was a bonny sight. Lil Red manhandled me as best she could into the shower and into clothes that didn't have traces of smoke, alcohol or puke on them and made her best attempt at making look vaguely human. Wow, it wasn't easy Everyone wanted a piece of The Fee that day, especially with the slivers of bile that were stuck, unbeknowst to me, in the bottom of my matted hair. I have no idea how I made it through the day without fainting, panic attacking or retching in public but I do know that I will not be drinking on a school night again in a hurry.

I hope you've all had a fabulous Christmas, I know I have. And so I go wheel my body into bed to watch Absolutely Fabulous which better be just that.

Britney Wannabe

12/25/2004 09:45:00 PM

Monday, December 20

It's bad enough being in the gay bar on a Friday night, nevermind being on the floor of the gay bar on a Friday night. I don't know what happened exactly but I know it involved way too much vodka, an over excited Luscious L and a now very squashed Little L.

We were so wasted (thank you quadruple distilled vodka) that we went back to a party that we get invited to every single week we go out and had yet to actually go, being that we don't do drugs and I, at the best of times, am anti social. However, with the promise of plenty illict drugs and super strength alcohol we finally gave in and partied our asses off till stupid o'clock. Actually the reality is this, we were lured back by the mention of sweet tea and a good dance (having disgraced my unstable self on the gay bar dance floor I really had no option). Hardly getting rebellious in my grand old age.

Needless to say that on Saturday, Lil Red and I felt like over cooked jobbies and remained in bed til we'd languished in our bodily juices for long enough and once we'd watched the entire season 7 of Buffy. The hangover was one of my most extreme but surprisingly there were no vomits or tudes and we packed ourselves off to bed about two hours after getting out of it. Plentiful cuddles ensued.

I can't even begin to talk about the mega agroness of Christmas shopping hell yesterday. Let's just say that my festive cheer did not come home in tact nor did my liking of the human race although I did find I have a new found respect for shop assistants, now that I am no longer having to be wonderful and kind to twat-faced assholes. Clearly still an unresolved issue or twenty.

Anyway, my new job is going fabulously and my new hair cut is now a furry mop and not one to be repeated unless I train as a hairdersser so can get it to sit in as cool a fashion as it was originally intended and so I go to get mistaken for a human cloud once again.

Today's Likes

My girl and I getting a car in two weeks, Asda here we come...
My fabulous nails
My lack of appetite, how long can it last?
Buffy Buffy Buffy Buffy Buffy
Finishing work at 4.30 pm

Today's Dislikes

Having £4.86 in my account and too much shopping still to do
Not getting to see my girl on X Mas day
Having no plans for new year
Hard house music, there is just no need
Poofs with attitude

Britney Wannabe

12/20/2004 01:43:00 PM

Sunday, December 12

I actually went drinking for ten hours on Friday. Considering I have the ability to withstand a meagre 4 vodkas usually before regurgitating the buggers, I think I did very well. I even managed to pace myself, not a term I am generally familiar with. It was my leaving night from work and I was pretty high so I assumed that with the fabulously good mood of mine i'd be fuckered in hours, minutes actually but thanks to a very large tea and the odd coke shoved in now and again, it was well ages before I even got that tingly vaguely drunk feeling.

It wasn't quite an 'invitation only' event but I only invited the people that I've said more than 'hi how are you' twice to because I'm not really a more the merrier kinda girl. I like quality, not quantity. Anti social? Me? It has been mentioned. But of course, there were like 3 random cling ons who were like turd to bum hair and far more annoying and badly tattooed than anyone I'd ever come across. If you really must invite yourself to someone else's night out please ensure you actually introduce yourself to the 'host' and please do not proceed to be the loudest person in the group and steal my attention. Seriously doubt it big faced girl.

I had a fully fabulous evening and even made it to the gay bar with my Lil Red where we got trodden on by far too tall trannies and clumpy shoed lesbos. Just your average night in the gay bar then.

And so I go watch that slightly awkward and quite passionless Neighbours lesbo kiss for the 840th time this week. I truly am a sad lesbo.

Britney Wannabe

12/12/2004 01:51:00 PM

Thursday, December 9

Today I'll work my last day at the bookshop and I'm so excited about the prospect that I'm already onto my 4th pantyliner. No longer will I have to deal with the wanky customers who cannot navigate their way around the A to Z fiction section and never again will I have to become personal shopper to the assholes who 'can't be bothered' to look around or make a decision on their own. That's right because I know what you should buy your distant cousin for Christmas. Sorry, I totally think you have mistaken me for someone who cares. I don't mind (and actually enjoy)helping the people who know the meaning of the word thank you but sadly at this time of year, so few people have time for manners. Because of course, it's the shop assistant's fault that we don't have that book that was published in the States in 1942 and nor can we get it before Christmas. And no, I cannot order books for you from Amazon, we are two seperate entities. Oh man. You can tell this has been building for a while.

Anyway, I'm very glad to be going as you all know my year and a bit working there has been less than wonderful at the best of times. I look forwrd to working in a non customer focused environment for the firist time in my working career. You'd have thought I'd have figured out that retail was not for people of a nervous disposition before now eh? After the woman in the fake purple snake skin suit and blonde bouffanic hair do complained about my lesbo manner I should have known that I really wasn't cut out for being cheery to twats.

It's not like I wont miss anything about the job. I mean I'll miss most of the people I work with and the extended breaks but really, it was time to go a year ago. Not to worry, in 9 hours I can finally close that chapter and look forward to the next one. While the job I'm going to isn't my dream publishing job, I'm hoping that will follow so I can get my gay ass out of this hole.

And so I go not hurry my ass to work. Adios!

Today's Likes

Neighbours, I haven't been this obsessed with a lesbo storyline since bloody Beth Jordache
My leaving night out tomorrow
My long unflowing locks getting cut tomorrow, halleluya
Steps... yes it's true
The Incredibles, even if for the tap dancing lamb in the short film and for Holly Hunter's voice...
My ultimate new pants... black with fuscia pink skulls... that glow in the dark, life is so all good :-)

Today's Dislikes

Hollyoaks, there's just no need
Postmen who leave parcels on your doorstep, safe
Listening to Steps really loud... oh man my neighbours wont think I'm cool anymore, oh bugger it, crank it up, bitch
Tiny eyes, where for art thou eyes?
Having no lap top and therefore internet access as of tomorrow :-( real tears

Britney Wannabe

12/09/2004 08:13:00 AM

Monday, December 6

Saturday was all about bandilegged split leaps, piley ons, popper fuelled high kicks and obscure yoga positions. Oh and vodka. And beer. We went to The Beast’s flat with the intention of having a laugh and going straight home. Of course we ended up severely bruised and in the gay bar. I don’t know what happened but I’m pretty sure we owe a lot to way too much alcohol, liquid gold and our old school tunes which took us right back to two summers previous when we all started hanging out with each other properly. I’m pretty sure it was the fault of bloody Scooter (everyone is allowed a relapse now and again) that J Bo and I were shamelessly air punching and almost crashing through the fragile floors like twa mega creeps. It’s not cool after 40 vodkas so there is no way it’s cool after half that amount. Oh and I’m sure Flexi Jenny here won the high kick competition (splitting ma bricks in the process and revealing my fanjita to the world) which led me to perform back bends, recklessly showing off Bella the Belly as I sturdied my feet on the wooden floor and went right back without clattering into a heap of flab and spittle. I was impressed but no one else was. Come on, for a girl of my size there is no way that amount of flexibility should be possible… And my stomach muscles (fucked if I even knew I had any) are in no way thanking me for what I subjected them too. I feel like there’s a heavy footed small person in my gut having a right carry on. Oh man.

The gay bar was, as always, as exciting as a vodka induced spew but we got some good dancing on the go. My god, we even got Britney, before the hard house remixes came on that is. We escaped from the sea of poofs in salmon pink fairly early on and proceeded bedward so my girl could go work the next morning. A good night was had by all but Sunday was a shocker. I swear I had to dig my fingers into my eye sockets to actually find my eyes. And what is it with that hangover smell that no matter how many times you wash you just cannot shake it. I smelt like I’d been smeared in mouldy cheese and dog turd. You can see why all the ladies love a Fee…

Anyway, today is a very exciting day for me. Today, at 5.35pm Sky Mangel will be kissing a girl for the first gayness in Neighbours’ history. Of course I’m sure the kiss will be no more than a peck, the kinda kiss you’d save for a vile relative who chain smokes and drinks cheap bourbon but hey, I’ve got someone backed up to record it so I can replay the moment over and over and over… Oh man. I hate being a girl obsessed lesbo. Yeah right.